Friday, April 29, 2005

The final conflict

this has been the major question which we ask ourselves. is this what we are destined to become? sometimes, it feels as if we were not made for this. yet, we are the part of the game, which seems to be going nowhere. life is all about conflicts and solutions everywhere, everytime. some fight for their share and others compromise. this is what we do, at school, college, homes .... offices .... at every walk of life.
there have been innumerable references in history in this aspect. one very good example could be the partition between india and pakistan. we compromised, because we cared for millions who were being mercilessly massacred. and now we are fighting from the madness of few fanatics. and we talk of brighter days to come. that's the exact point which drives us forward to a glorious future. this has what helped us to steer ahead from the dark days. hope...
the whole point boils down to the way u see the world.....the way u see things. if u see a rose and not the thorns, perhaps it's the most beautiful thing, but at the same time only would spoil the whole idea of it being beautiful...few good men have managed to convert their destiny into reality...i too would want to do that. but the worst part is the future is so hazy that i can't see where i am going, i can't see where i am destined to. as they's u r actions which speaks volumes....perhaps i am in search of one such oppurtunity to prove myself or atleast i can show i am worth it. "trust" one of the most important thing in life. it's like the pillar in every action that involves a group...a company....and even u. u gotta trust u r self that u r worth it...and this is what u were destined to do..and i am gonna change it into reality.

once upon a time i dreamt of something....
i thought that was my destiny.
atlast i am left with nothing,
this is my reality.

once upon a time i was prepared to take on the world,
and was ready to take decisions bold,
but now all this seems so old,
my hands run cold,
and my head is full of stories untold.

once upon a time i lived like a king,
everyone thought , gr8 harmony i would bring.
and now i can feel my dreams withering away,
for things unimaginable i am making way.

the only thing which holds me now is hope,
sometimes i feel as if i am on dope,
sometimes i feel in darkness i grope,
and world says that with itself i need to cope.

no, i am not a loser,
i am just one- step closer
to realise my destiny
which i wanna see as my reality

There's something special about "MOVIES".......

The very first thing which comes to everyone's mind (supposedly) is that this guy is crazy. why the hell does he see so many movies? why is he wasting his time on movies....that too watching movies thrice.....sometimes even more than that.???

yes. it's true that i am crazy about movies....i do watch movies more than twice. infact i have seen "MATRIX" (part-1).......almost 15 times because the first 10 times i didn't understand the concept of the movie and the next 5 times, i couldn't stop appreciating the concept...quite an irony isn't it?
one of my favourite lines is "the thing is, the movie was not that bad." as far as i remember there are less than handful movies which have got a bad review from me from the long list of movies that i have seen so far. and that's why i sometimes don't tell my friends to see some movie even if it's good, b'coz they do realize after staying so many days with me that i can't give a bad review for anything.
movies have always been a part of my life...right from childhood when i would see almost 3 shows back to back in a town near my ancestral village. even now i do, each time i go there....
my dad and my's aunt's daughter were the first ppl whom i can proudly say inspired me in the art of watching requires patience.....capacity to smile at all the comedy clips again and again.......and a good heart to say "awww...that's so cute" when there's a scene which u like in the movie again and again and again. a few words for one of my biggest passions....


i can quote about movies in a line,
"It ' moves' ur heart."
there's comedy, emotion, drama, romance....
there's joy, happiness, sorrow, tears...
there's LIFE.

it's not about a boy and a girl dancing in the rain under the trees,
it's the way we see pursue things.
i see it as a writer singing praises of his imaginary lady,
though the words most of the time turn out to be quite hmmmm....indecent ones...
and some see it as a waste of time......

it doesn't matter what we think?
or does it?
we teach our children what's good and bad...
but do we teach them how to do it and when to do the right thing?

life is it just the way we see it...
but sometimes it turns out to be someone is guiding us all the while.
they say movies are inspired from real stories,
and some say movies inspire real stories.
and the discussion goes on...

they say there's nudity in movies,
but they also say it's's the passion inside u.
so it boils down to what u think of this and that.
and follow things by u r gut.

that's why movies are so important,
they replicate the past,
predict the future
and depict the present.

it's stylish, heart felt and amazing creation
which sometimes leaves us spellbound...
the whole thing is for just these magical words....

u may say this is's only for entertainment
thing again.....sometime..someday u will come across something similar to a scene from a movie
and say..."deja vu"....i saw this in that movie.
that's the power of movie....
it has some godlevel fundas.....gr8 code breakings...
it's fun...but it gives us a hope...
"everything that's shown is possible,
may be not now...but someday in future
or was someday in past"

that's the power of movies....sometimes it's it weakness too.....
that's all what i wanted to say....a few words for one of my biggest passions.

I have scaled a new height.......

After six hours of writing my first comprehensive examination of 4th semester, i finally felt as if i will never ever forget the good...bad....worse experiences of this course called "measurement techniques-II" a few words of what all we did.....

what a nightmare it has been so far,
thinking of which i can only stare.

we toiled in the sun,
with water and clay we had fun.
we saw circiuts blow up
and even broke machines worth lakhs..

we had fun , we had joy
we "created" couples,
and it looks like as if the whole thing's gonna be real
three hours of hardwork a day and 30 minutes of copying is what we did,
though few really struggled for the all the mistakes to get rid.

but is it what we were supposed to learn,
i mean we did really do few things here,
but what happened today!! it what we really earn?
were we destined to get screwed?

you could feel the pain on our faces,
smile and joy on few faces had some traces,
and the rest....we had expected the whole thing to be rod,
but the ultimate destruction was so broad.
that i feel..."is it worth it?"

they say it's important, and is of f***ing 4 units,
and the only way where few good men loose their 10,
and the rest crave to make a good grade.
there's nothing wrong with what we did.
but why?....but why?

atlast today after 6 hours of close encounter with satanic wave
of course in the form of an exam
i can breathe some air and say loudly,
i scaled a new height,
and i will be gone far from sight
atleast from the circuits
though the huge f***ing machines will be my new lab
with my old godamn f***ing screwing up vivas
from ppl who think they are "it"...
and can torture the poor guy's soul.....

i am coming....i am coming
only time is gonna decide who's gonna be the "LAST MAN STANDING"
in days to come.....
may the Almighty be with us through the dark hours
and shower love and happiness and give us good memories
b'coz these are some of the few things that we need to keep for

Wednesday, April 27, 2005


I continued meeting Sara for the next few days….and one day I was little late in meeting her. When I went to that place she was already waiting for me.
“Anand. Why are you late today? I was waiting for you for a long time now.”
“I had to buy these chocolates for you, Sara. That’s why I was late.”
“What are these? These aren’t chocolates….these are called peppermints, which are almost extinct now. Where did you get these? I love these small things.”
I knew I couldn’t buy her the latest brands, though I wished to. But I was very happy to hear her last sentence.
“Tell me Anand…where do you live?”
I didn’t want to tell her that I was homeless.
“I live in a far away place.”
“My mom says, if you like someone they reside in your heart however far they may be.”
“So am I residing in your heart?” I asked her.
“I don’t know, I don’t think so. Because you are not in a far away place. You are right in front of me.” She said with a huge smile.
I was smiling at her. I couldn’t resist it.
“Look what have I brought for you!”
“A few laddoos which my mom made at home. Now be a good boy and don’t eat everything yourself. We will share them. Here these are for you and these for me.”

I was eating a home-made laddoo!!! It felt like heaven to eat something so handful in size after such a long time. It was then at this fine moment a tragic thing happened. One of Sara’s neighbors happened to see Sara talking to me. She was shell shocked and simply took Sara away with her…more like dragged her away. I couldn’t resist her from doing it. I mean I wanted to hold her hand and stop her but who knows…these days you cannot trust anyone. She might even pull me to court on the charges of “sexual harassment”. After a short time her mom came up to inspect the situation. She was red and said,” Sara, what were you doing with him? Don’t you see he’s so shabby? You might get some unknown diseases. Did you eat anything that he gave you? Oh my God! What are these?” She was looking at the peppermints that I had given her.
“What are you feeding my daughter? Just get lost and never meet my daughter or else I will call the police.”
“Mama, what are you doing? He’s my friend. You can’t do this. Please mama…please.” She was crying as her mom dragged her back to the house. She knew deep inside her heart that her mother didn’t like me because I was shabby. That night she stealthily took out her piggy bank and broke open the lock. She picked up a few pennies hat she had saved for herself. The next morning while she was sleeping her mother saw the huge debris in a corner of the room. She didn’t realize what that meant; perhaps she thought that Sara was going to buy some chocolate from the shop.

Next morning when I woke up I found an envelope lying by my side with my name on it.
I opened it and found a little note from Sara.

“Don’t bother how I found you. Here are some pennies that I had saved. I hope they will be of some help to you.
Your friend
Sara “
I couldn’t control my emotion. I was crying now…crying with my tears rolling down from the depth of my heart. All my life nobody had even bothered to help me and all this time I worked hard for livelihood. After my parents died in an accident I was lonely and I discontinued my studies. Nobody even bothered if I was alive or dead….and now…a little girl…a little girl who was just 10 years old was showering all the love and innocence on me. I cried and cried.

I felt that we are lonely even if are among a huge crowd if we don’t have someone to think about us, someone who would care about us. Now I was someone, something special for a little girl. And that made me feel special and…. important for her. I decided not to disappoint her. So I had a bath and borrowed some clothes with the money that Sara gave me and went out in search of a job and doing it now more rigorously. Finally a restaurant manager accepted to give me a small job. That was enough…more than enough. It sounded like heaven to me after all the hardships I had been through. After few days I began to earn and even save something. And I continued to meet Sara though her mother didn’t know about that. I might not have been earning salaries in 6 figures like the IT guys but what I had was enough to buy chocolates for her and that mattered the most in my life now. She munched them away and kept asking for more and more. Little girl she was, but not her heart. She changed my whole life in an instant because she thought I was important to her. And that made me test my endurance and do my best. She was everything for me now. I learnt that it always need not be the rich who would come down and talk to poor souls like me; it could be anyone…like you and me. That would make them feel important, more than that they will feel happy that someone out there is ready to listen to them.

“Thank you! Sara. Thank you! You changed my destiny. I will always remember you. You are the most important thing in my life now. I promise that I will be you best friend” I said to myself. I couldn’t meet her for a few days. I was working for extra time to earn more and may be even rent an apartment. But I heard that one of her teeth had to be removed because of tooth decay caused by excessive consumption of chocolates.
“Poor Sara…she must have been lonely without me!” after some days I finally met her at the same old place and she was happily playing with other children.
“Anand! Anand! How are you? Where were you all these days? Why didn’t you meet me?”
“Where was I? Let’s see…….I am right in front of you.” I said remembering what she had said earlier.
“No Anand. You are always in my heart,” she said kissing my cheek with her thin lips.

That was my sweet little Sara, who changed my destiny……………


this is my second story ......


“You are still here!!!! You …..Son of a bitch. Just get the hell out of here or you will be definitely in trouble. Don’t you remember I had given a warning to you the other day,” shouted a cop as he saw me lying on a bench on a Sunday morning in central park.
“Take it easy, take it easy! I was just leaving.” I said as I got up to run away from that place as I could sense some trouble brewing up with the cop. I was already in such a bad state; I didn’t want to add another feather in my cap.

“Excuse me Sir, can I see today’s newspaper?” I asked a gentleman who was reading the supplement issue of THE SUNDAY TIMES in the same park just a few yards away from the bench where I had been sleeping. He looked at my state and just turned away. I thought he was about to puke as he couldn’t bear my shabby state. Yes, I was kind of dirty according to normal standards. It had been ages since I had taken proper bath. I decided to stroll across the street in search of one good soul who would sympathize at my bad state.

“Ladies and gentlemen, just move away from this area….the situation is under control,” shouted a cop just a few yards away as he dragged away a guy of somewhat my age.
“A gentleman seems to have called the cops to get this guy arrested who was asking for some help in spite of repeated warnings from the gentleman to stay away from him,” said a curious onlooker when I asked him what had happened. I thought I could have been in the same position as that of this guy if I had reached the scene few minutes earlier.

“No sir, no. Try to understand me. I didn’t do anything wrong. Please let me go…please,” the guy was pleading the cops who didn’t listen to this poor soul. I slipped away from the scene and look for something to eat. I was kind of new to the city, so couldn’t calculate how much an average meal would cost. Moreover I hadn’t eaten anything for a longtime. I was saving everything I could. I didn’t know why I was starving and didn’t even spend even a single penny…but today I had to eat something. It looked like coming closer to death with each penny spent. I quickly searched through my pocked and found not more than 10 pennies.

“Hello, excuse me! Get me something that’s worth not more than 2 pennies!” I asked the beautiful waitress in a cafĂ©. She smiled and brought me a glass of water.
“Here, this is what you get, now can I get anything else for you…or would u like to pay the bill?” she asked with an undying smile spreading through her face. I didn’t know what to do. Smile at the gorgeous girl or be sad that another day was about to pass without any food. I paid the bill and was back on the streets again.

It was almost 11:00 o’ clock now and I was searching for some shady place under the trees to rest…hunger does make one weak. Right across the street I saw children playing in a small community park. Children always brought some sweet memories of my childhood…something about them always interested me. I went to have a look what they were doing.

“Rahul, pass the ball quickly. Not there stupid, here. Come on fast,” said a tall guy. Must have been the eldest of all of them..
“Bhaiyya, why do you always call me stupid? I am not a kid anymore and I know what that means and it hurts. Don’t do it again or I will complain to mom.”, said Rahul to his brother.
“I don’t care, do what you want. Now just go and stand in your place…stupid. Oh! I am so sorry! You are gonna complain to mom…you are such a loser,” said his brother mocking at Rahul’s remarks.
Things were getting heated up and I could see Rahul with eyes full of tears and a determined face that he would teach him a lesson. After a few minutes, a very young girl came into the park and sat on a bench to watch the game.
She said,” I am new to this locality. Do you think we could be friends?”. She was asking a guy who was sitting beside her. This guy was munching a chocolate and didn’t care for her question. She then turned and asked almost everyone if they would allow her to play with them. Nobody seemed to be interested; I mean this girl was too young for their age. Then she saw me standing near the wall and stared at my shabby clothes and dirty face. But to my surprise, I was so glad to see her that I gathered some strength and managed to smile at her. And she smiled back.

“Hello! My name is Sara. I am new to this locality. Can we be friends?” she asked me.
Can you believe that!!!! She was so innocent and in such great need of friends that she wouldn’t mind to have me as her friend. I said,” Yes.”

“What’s your name friend?”

What was my name…what was my name? I was searching for an answer, I found it so hard, I mean it had been ages since someone had asked me that question and I had rarely spoken to anyone. Tears started rolling down her cheeks.
“I am Anand.,” I said giving her a smile.
“Anand come play with me. I want to show everyone that I have a friend too. Much taller than all of you, who will play with me …who can hit the ball so hard that it would be out of sight.”
“Here Anand…..come here. Today we will make a house with this sand. Come here…come fast.” I was so happy that someone was talking to me that I even forgot that I was 25 years old and she was only 10. Children do have magic when they speak.

“Sara…Sara beta! Where are you? It’s time to go home!” shouted her mother who was looking for her daughter. I knew if her mother had seen me it would mean trouble. She would think I was some kind of criminal who takes away children and sells their body parts. I bade Sara good bye and said that I would meet her later and she should go home.
“Ok…Anand. I will see you later.”
“Sara…Sara! Where are you?” her mother was closing in.
“Oh my God! What are you doing with the sand? You shouldn’t spoil it like that. The owner of this park will scold you. And you don’t like to be scolded…haina beta,” said her mother in a low voice after seeing her daughter filled with tears at her initial anger.
“Come on…let’s go we are getting late. Remember we have to go to your uncle’s house and you dad will be looking for us now.” She said as she took Sara away with her. I was standing behind the bush looking at my new little friend. I smiled at her and went away from that place. That day had passed without much hassle anywhere. I did look for few jobs but couldn’t make any. They all thought they were too good to look at my state.


After 2 hours mom went in and asked dad to come for dinner. He didn’t respond. She asked him again and again. But he didn’t talk. Now that was something strange! We knew he was sad but he always responded to a question. But not now! Not today! I peeped inside the bedroom and saw dad holding mom’s hand …probably he was scared, afraid of something! Mom couldn’t keep quiet and asked him what had happened. Dad slowly started talking and finally told that his boss was not satisfied with his work. This was pretty normal though but he somehow got so serious that I guess his mind stopped functioning.
He started sweating! His face turned black! We knew what these symptoms were of…..mental depression…. We tried our best to persuade him that everything would be alright there’s no need to worry, but he wouldn’t listen, he had passed that stage. And now only two things could help him. It’s either his friends or the “mind” clinic. Mom promised him that we would meet his friends the next morning and I think he was pleased and then he slept.

Perhaps it was at 1:00A.M when I heard the front door creaking. Someone had opened the door!!!! It was dad!!!!!!! I had the habit if sleeping in the hall and I suddenly woke up and began to run behind him and mom followed too. We finally got him only a couple of feet away from the house and asked him…
“Where are you going at this time of hour?”
“Come on let’s go inside. We will definitely meet your friends.”
“I want to go out for a walk.”
“Where will you go?”
“I don’t know, I will come home later.”
“Don’t be so stubborn, it’s cold out here. Come on let’s get in.”
Finally we somehow managed to sleep, all four of us in the hall. And mom had all the while held his hand in hers. The next morning mom got up and went to the kitchen. She searched for the knife and to her shock she found some red stains on it. What was that???

Oh my God!!! It’s blood! Pure thick red blood!!!

She suspected something really serious and followed the thinly visible blood drops which led to the bathroom and there again she found thick blotch of blood there. She ran towards dad who got up and looked at his hands…
“What the hell? Why did you do this? Why? I wouldn’t in my dreams could think that you could do something like this?”
Then I got up and to my shock, I found a 5mm deep cut on his right hand just below the palm. Blood had stopped oozing revealing the flesh inside. The knife had miraculously missed the nerves!!!!!!!!
“What’s the matter with you? What are you in short of now! Children are doing well! Manish has made it into the most prestigious college in the country! Though your salary isn’t sufficient; we are still able to manage it. Why did you do this? Why?” she was talking to the paralyzed ears of his. She knew he had to be hospitalized immediately. I remember her telling me few times that he had gone to an extent of clutching the electric wires in such condition once almost 15 years ago. And now he was here in much severe condition.
“Manish, call your uncle, look for his number.”
“Write down the doctor’s address and telephone number on a piece of paper. This is urgent, do it quickly”, she kept on telling while combing her hair.

I was so shocked that I couldn’t believe my eyes. I did what mom had told me to do and later waited for my uncle to arrive when he arrived it took almost an hour to get dad dressed to go to hospital.
“Stay in the house and if anyone calls tell them we had gone out and we will return by 5 o’clock in the evening.”
I stared at my surroundings and then at sky, “God! What are you doing? And that too to dad! You know him more than I do. Why God? Why?”
I knew I wouldn’t find an answer because it was we who knew the answer or more than that who had to find an answer.
I switched on the T.V. perhaps that would release my tension. At probably 12:00PM the door bell rang and I saw my brother come in.
“What happened?” I asked him. And then I saw dad coming in, he was smiling….smiling!!!! He smiled at me and went inside to sleep. I slowly asked my brother what happened. He said “We went and sat in a bus and after sometime I saw a beautiful lady come in. I kept looking at her and to my surprise dad was looking at me…I mean he caught me red handed dude. He smiled…smiled!!!! I couldn’t believe it. I smiled too and then he started talking about my studies, about how things are going on in our lives, how his work is going on. When we finally reached the hospital that everything is fine, just the cut needs to be stitched. And finally he gave some tranquillizers and we are here. That’s it”

I couldn’t believe my eyes now…simply couldn’t., after all that happened in a matter of 8 hours .his going out at 1:00am, cutting his hand, refusing to wear his shirt to go to hospital…it simply is not possible to come back to a normal state in a short time. Then I thought over it and realized that everything had changed b’coz dad just managed to smile and he got a response for that from his son. And then he opened his heart and let his feelings burst open till there was nothing left.

My whole idea of dealing with people changed. I began to look at my dad’s life more closely, what he had been through is unimaginable!! My salaam to one amazing human being who loves to be praised. Yes we all love to be praised, praised for even he small things which otherwise would go unnoticed. He was my hero from then on, though I have to confess that I never really found time to talk to him but then life seemed to be simpler and happier. All because he just managed to smile on the tragic day of our lives!!!! That was one fine day that lasted for only few hours but had an experience of lifetime for me. I learnt the biggest secret in making people fall in love with you is to listen to them when they talk….when they smile because there are lots of untold and emotional words in one simple and true smile.

And again as usual life was normal though there were fears that dad would again resort to some crazy stuff again.. All we wanted to see was,” Same old dad who used to crack PJ’s, laughed at everything, enjoyed his food, movies, friends and above all the family,…us”

hope u have enjoyed the story, as much as i did while writing it....


here's a story which i had written few days back....i hope u will like it.

“Mom I am home.” I said to myself after a long day at school. The very thought of reaching home was so refreshing that I used to forget that I had toiled hard at school. For me and my brother home meant great food, T.V and some fighting between us

“Manish and Aashish, you are early today! What happened? Did they leave you early?” mom asked us. Probably she didn’t know that we had a habit of gaping widely at the huge billboards displaying ads of new movies. We used to discuss about the movie, gorgeous girls and cool gadgets while walking from the bus stop to our home in the second floor in almost a secluded apartment in the suburb of the city.
“Mom what have you cooked for us today?” we asked as we rushed in, to taste what mom had cooked for us.
She never liked it and said,” Both of you, out of here! Boys shouldn’t come inside here like this, it’s not good manners!”
But we always managed our share..,” mama, please mama, just one piece, another piece this will be the last piece.”
“Hey guys leave something for your dad.” And then she would push us out of there. And as usual it was T.V time.
My brother was only two years younger to me, so we always had something in common though not anything seriously major one. And you know what teenagers have in common!! . And then we finished our homework which we rarely did after coming from school. But somehow we just had our own ideas, I wanted to see “matrix” probably for the 15th time and he “Know your star”, a chat show in a popular channel.

“No, I came here first. Give me the remote!”
“Who said? I don’t care, I am elder to you, and you should obey me.”
“I don’t even care if you are elder.”

I couldn’t keep quiet, but couldn’t do anything either though I was red. I was just staring at him, at the deep scar just above his eye, which reminded me of the freaky incident. I pushed him onto razor sharp steps and he fell right over and began bleeding. I still know I didn’t mean to do it, but it happened. He was only 4 at that time and that still hurts me. Finally I said, “Alright let’s settle it for wrestling. What do you say?”
“Ok, I give up, let’s see something before mom takes charge and turns on her typical saas-bahu crap!”
We took our places and I have to say, this was one particular show which we wouldn’t miss at all even though if there’s an exam the next day. We were half through the show when the phone rang; it kept ringing, and ringing.

“Manish, pick up the phone”, mom began to lose it and shouted from the kitchen. I didn’t want to get up from my seat. I was so immersed in watching the show. I jumped and answered the call. It was my friend who was asking for my rank in board exams. “Dude, I made it. What about you?” We talked for sometime and I finally said, ”Now I got something important going on here. Seeya tomorrow.” I still had one exam left after my board exams were completed and that’s why I was going to school. Mom was now sitting outside in the balcony looking at the huge buildings being built on either way of the road. But I knew she was waiting for dad to come home, she was worried about his health. He hadn’t been well mentally because my grandmother had passed away just a year ago.

Talking about my grandmother, my dad was the eldest among the siblings. He loved her so much that he always had put aside some share of his meager monthly income to send to her though mom would seriously resist. On the last day of her life in hospital she was craving to meet her son who was living 500 miles away and later died, with her last wish still unfulfilled. This incident shook him so much that he was often noticed to have spent hours in silence with his eyes staring on the files.

Suddenly mom got up from her chair. We knew it was dad who was coming on his old scooter which made a typical sound. He came in and drank a glassful of water and directly went to sleep. be continued

musings of a blank mind.....

i never ever thought that one fine day i will be blogging like this. i did consider lot of times to do this, but there were three ppl who inspired me to make a concious effort to do this. first of all i wanna thank abhilash and ravi chandra who have forced this idea of blogging right from the beginning. then it was jenny, who lives in Long Island, NY whom i met recently on orkut. and then it was anshie (check out her blog.... her blog named "reflections" has inspired me a lot to start my own blog. one of the main reason being i could identify myself with all that anshie had written in the blog...though i have never spoken to her...i wish her a happy life whole heartedly.....and talking about jenny....i just recently met her on orkut...and believe me ppl she's one of the most wonderful women i have come across so far. it's so difficult to find someone who's so interested in knowing the other person and her love for india and the culture here....jenny, if u r reading this posting...i wanna thank u whole heartedly my dear friend....and ...
have a nice day, keep smiling. that's the best thing u can do for urself....