Tuesday, November 15, 2005

stAnd tAll

I woke up and looked into the mirror,
and couldn't move any further.
i was just a boy last fall
today i am a man and i grew tAll.

i walked down the streeta
nd felt the morning sun on my face
something is different today..
it is suddenly something different today...

you were right there in front of me
and i was too dumb, and i was too busy reading your mind,
and could never tell you, what's in mine.
It's a funny feeling;
you have got the perfect 10 minutes with someone,
and yet you don't know what to say,
it is suddenly something different today....

I believe in destiny
I believe in ........life
Can't you see, you and me,
how beautiful life can be.

I will not breakdown, I am strong,
I will not breakdown no matter how things may go wrong.
i will....i will stand tAll...
i will....i will stand tAll...

Saturday, October 08, 2005


october 10th, 2005: saturday 9:25 A.M.... perhaps this date will stay in our memories for a long time becuase it was the first time most of us had witnessed an earthquake!yes...this is confirmed report that there was an eartquake here in BITS. most of us were writing our tutorials when this occured , the funny part was nobody could understand what was happening....we all thought that the guy sitting at the back was shaking the bench so much that the whole thing began to shake:)....and the people sitting in their rooms were totally confused when their comps and chairs began to shake.....anways there has been no damage anywhere....after this we come to know that the quake was felt in entire north india and in the neighboring countries pakistan, afghanistan. so far there have been no confirmed reports about the epicentre and the magnitude of the quake...probably in the next few hours from now at 10:00 am we will hear more reports.....

Sunday, September 25, 2005


Yesterday, i saw perhaps one of the best indian movie ever made. it didn't have any naach-gaana in the rain, or the girl-guy hitting the clubs....but there was something in it which made that impact. it was the way the story was written based on the events from 1969-1975 period during Indira Gandhi's regime that makes the difference. the movie is "hazaaron kwaishyein aisi"...which literally means "thousand wishes like these...". it definitely comes in the line of
mr and mrs Iyer which is one of my favourites.....the story of this movie revolves around 3 characters and about their work....their passion for work and to what consequences each person faces ultimately. unless u see the movie.....it's very difficult to make out what happens in the movie is right or wrong....i mean A loves B, and B loves A....C loves B but B does not love C....and A,B,C are in the same college...very good friends too.....by the way B is a girl here....:)

after their college....A decides to see the Real India....for some reason he chooses to go to Bhojpur, Bihar to spread the awareness among the villagers about the atrocities and bring about a revolution. so on day of the farewell party A+B=> AB.....:)....:)...and unfortunately C sees the whole thing....:(....after 4 years C is a big business tycoon with contacts all over the parliament...and one day he meets a guy...(i guess this character is based on Sanjay Gandhi's life...) and comes in contact with the top most echelons of the government....their first confrontation is very interesting.....and there was one particular dialouge which i would like to quote...
politician: everybody is corrupted here in India.
c: i don't agree that everybody is corrupted, but the trick is to find out who is....
there in a party C meets B....but B has married D....then we come to know that B is in regular contact with A through letters and one morning she just goes to the village in Bihar....again to have a nice time with A..(literally...to have sex with A..:)....) but somehow C manages to interrupt the holiday mood....phew...
then the whole story proceeds with lots of incidents which are the exact representation of the events which happened during emergency......somewhere in the middle of the story B leaves D and after 2 years she gives birth to a son whose father is A....but after the emergency is imposed she's arrested by the police for having connections with the notorious naxalite of the region...that's A. A is arrested too...and in the jail he's beaten up and B is raped....
the story ends in a very interesting and dramatic manner.....just everything changes.....C is almost killed by the police for helping A to escape....and A realises that he has had enough and he wants to lead a happy life and takes up medicine.....and C is almost crippled for life.....but he doesn't want to stay in a hospital, so he goes away with B who's in the same village now.....ohhhh...
seems pretty confusing huh??.....may be.....but don't miss this critically acclaimed movie......it's worth watching atleast once.....but a word of caution, if you are a fun loving guy/girl.....this movie is extremely serious.....:)....
more to come......i am just dying to see probably one of the best movies released this year...."IQBAL"

Friday, September 16, 2005

the SQUARE ONE gossip

yuppie.....BOSM has started and everything seems to be rushing at the current moment. i fail to understand why they had to make it for 5 days instead of 4. anyway there are no major competitions today on the first day of BOSM....except the BITS vs IIT, kanpur match.....yesterday went to gym-g to have a look around...what's going on.....i could spot some pretty old faces too.....a guy named charan from SBMJC, bangalore.....aravind from MREC,hyd...and lot more.....though i don't remember even a single girl who has come here....but who cares......it has never been so hot out here.....(i am talking about the oomph factor!!!......:)...:)...) there are some lovely girls here who have come here to 'play' and 'cheer' up their teams....it guess it works out for everyone....hehehe.....
it was very disappointing to see that BRAC hasn't come this time...and so did SRCC.....both of them have some quality players especially in basketball....and both were semi-finalists last year. and the big surprise was that there were only 2 players in SBMJC guys team, basketball who had played last year....nevertheless i expect a gr8 competition from this amazing team....
i just hope it doesn't rain for the next 4 days...otherwise i would lose every oppurtunity to build a good team who are going to take the entire responsibilty of the club.....but i wonder sometimes most of them are too busy to realise where the whole club is exactly heading to....
that's the main reason why one has to see a leader in someone and when one gets to see that spark, he has to be well groomed and made into a fine and extremely sensible person to take on the whole world.....
yesterday i had lot of things in my mind to say to a expected crowd....but nevertheless things didn't go as expected ....the number was too small. but there were 3 most important people whom i adore out there with me throughout the night....i just hope i get more help from others...i do understand that at one point of time it looks as if i am doing the "atlas" thing with the entire club.....but is that my fault???....i just love the work so much.....otherwise how could i make so many friends out here....how could i get introduced to all thos people who respect you???.....
i just hope things go on well.....and make some amazing friends.....and may be things will start falling into place atleast by OASIS.....
more update on matches and all the masala factor to come soon.....
till then.....heeho.....main chala

Wednesday, September 14, 2005


the time has come now when i look back at the amazing time i had here in BITS...especially during the festivals... BOSM and Oasis and smile at what i have gained out of it.....both of them being conducted in the same semester under different secretaries attract the major attention of almost everyone around here....
today BOSM is gonna start amidst dark clouds and heavy showers, as it always does....only that this year situation looks far more serious....but it feels lovely out here just to see rain falling everywhere....it's been so long....it's what we have been waiting for, for such a long time. i remember everytime..everyear...it rains on the inaug day but the enthu levels never die here....people trying to cheer up the home team and wondering how many medals we are gonna this time!!!
i am just waiting to see some colleges perform out here....one of them is SBMJC, bangalore. what can i say about this amazing combination of strength and excellence.....talent is abundant and they have got everything that u can ask for from a sportsman. i am just dying to see the best basetball(b) match u can ask for during BOSM....SBMJC vs BRAC (delhi)....these two teams are the titans of baski as far as my knowledge goes...last year i witnessed an unbelivable match in the leauges....BRAC was leading till the last 5 minutes when everything turned to SBMJC's favour and they won by 2 points. that was one of the most nerve wrecking matches ever.
this time we have got a special entry....IIT,kanpur. only 12 members are coming but the best part is they are gonna play basketball.....ohhhh!!!! can u imagine the electricity in the air if there's a match between
IIT vs BITS.....ppl are gonna be on high.....it would be a question of supremacy!!!!
BOSM is fun....u get to see some lovely girls walking and playing in the ground which remains empty almost throughout the year.....i just hope we win lots of matches this time.....atleast for the effort we have put in this time. more reports coming up.....

but the bottom line is....may be this is going to be my last BOSM...:(...... it's so hard to believe that the next year i may not be here.....it's so hard to believe that i am gonna miss all the fun...but life goes on.....

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

life is a rollercoaster....

it's been a wonderful time so far this semester.....when i came here.....we were flabberghasted to listen to the number of people coming from various states and the boy-girl ratio (phew....this is one is just crazy).....almost 8:1.....can u believe that......especially for an institute which boasts that it has the highest number of women graduating every year from an university.....it was almost 40-45% for the past few years......anyways no regrets......i guess every guy should know why...:)....:)...

anyways.....things have gone pretty fine.....have met some really wonderful people this semester.....and some special people who just come into u r life...and make u r day as good as it can be....:)....it something like u are walking on a empty street with the cool breeze touching u r face and u look up at the sky and see the stars gazing at u.....and u smile at them....
yesterday i was watching a movie which had a quote that goes something like this...."when a guy looks at the girl he loves, he looks at her as if he is looking at his birthday present and he just cannot stop to open it..."....may be this is the truth....this is all what we wait for our whole lives...just to get that special look from a person whom u love..:)

lets keep this aside and get down to some serious stuff......something strange is happening to me this summer....i guess i can read the signals which my brain and heart are sending me at the same time.....something is burning inside me ....a kind of cinder which just keeps on burning.....and i have began to look at new things and start understanding about them..... for example the b-plan competitions......i had just one idea that could be made into a substantial b-plan and got an amazing team who have the potential to be the best in their respective fields...
since the time i started to think about this.....everyday a new thing crops up in my mind...and there i am in a dilemma....when should i make this happen in reality???....it's driving me crazy....and there's a sense of urgency in everything.....a zeal to learn....a zeal to outperform the rest....a zeal to be the best in what u are good at.....

things change in this wonderful place.....u make new friends.....meet some amazing people.....but the sad part is.....everytime u think about it....u are a moment closer to complete u r 4/5 years here.....that's what scares me.....they say this place teaches u to be efficient in whatever u do and wherever u are.....but i fail to understand how is this even possible at a point when u don't even understand what u are doing...????.....u are not even sure if u do something.....how will it help u???........only time has all the answers....

at the end of the day.....i just pray God to stop atleast one moment so that i can tell something to that one person whom i like very much......just give me one chance to do something this time....i have made a mistake twice....i don't want to do the same the third time....

Monday, August 08, 2005


It'a party time guys! keep the party going....
don't stop dancing, just keep your booty shaking,
party! party! party! and shake the floor,
and when it's time to stop, just keep on asking for more,

tomorrow when you wake up everything will be different,
you will be one day older than what you are at present,
the date on the calender will be gone,
and new hopes and dreams shall born.

but somethings do not change,
like the oppressed outrage,
a soldier's courage,
and a daily labourer's wage.

but something is always there in heart-hope,
"let there be peace in the world"-says the pope.
to achieve that let pray for peace within ourselves,
let the weak take care of themselves,
then they will have courage to fight,
and their lives will be brighter than sun even at night.

wake up from your sleep, this is no dream,
the world is waiting for u to gleam...
wear a smile on your face, for it's time to witness happy days.

this is a promise which God has made,
"all your worries will fade,
and you shall live happily ever after!!!!
and you shall always smile ever after!!!! "


Let me tell you the story of a student,
in reading and writing he is going to be fluent.
very happy he joins a school,
and soon finds out that nothing out here is cool.
after nursery, he joins class one,
and tries his best to have fun.
because he knows after that it's all maths and science,
and he will never have time to listen to his conscience.

time is always flying away,
to catch it in your hands there is no way,
so he is in a flow and joins others in what they do,
and follows them wherever they go.

when he is in PG, he forgets about CG,
and that's where he lags behind,
and there's no chance to rewind,
neverthless he looks out for a job,
his time and patience they rob,
to tell him atlast that's there's no vacancy,
and something can be done with loads of currency.

so he makes money by odd ways,
no matter how, he again joins the race.
a race to prove others that he is normal,
after sometime he tries to be more formal.
and then he advises others to follow him,
even though he knows that his desire to do something has gone dim.

and now he thinks about his own life,
and sings it in a sad tone playing a fife,
why didn't he do what he wanted to do?
why couldn't he do what he wanted to do?

the answer: may be he doesn't know what's the situation true?
he just followed people like us, like me and u,
so who's the real culprit?
who is the culprit who has silenced his grit?
on pondering all we will do is blaming each other,
and never arrive at a solution better.

so the real student would be one,
who follows his dreams no matter how wrong things have gone,
who advices others not to follow his own path,
but to leave a trail on their own path,
then no one will be same again,
because nothing similar would remain.

people will do what they do,
because they know that that's the best they could do,
and no matter how, nothing better could they do.
then there will be no question of failure,
because everyone will have a mind mature,
not to kill a killer instinct in the brain,
which is as small as a grain,
but holds the key to success,
and wisdom to assess.

such is our wonderful life,
"follow your dream and make a difference-" this is a student's life.


you are like rain in the middle of may,
sunshine on a foggy day,
you are like a glowing candle,
and have more beauty than sandal,
you are like a greeting smile from kith and kin,

the heart your i must win,
not to show others what i got,
but to THY that all odds have i fought,
and to people who have doubt,
i wanna show that all barriers i have broken,
accept me as cupid's token.

never shall i leave your hand,
we will build on he shores of sea- castles of sand,
dreams on no man's land,
i am neither a dude nor am i a dud,
i am just "me"
who promises to smile forever
share joy and happiness like a perennial river,

life is not a matter of day or two,
it's a promise of eternity and fame for few,
those who have courage, fight for it,
and he shall live for ever as a man who had strong wit,
it's only a matter of choice to choose between what u wanna be....
who's he?..........or...........who's he?


Listen to the song which bells sing, oh my dear,
"listen, listen! it's that time of the year,
there's smile on everyone's face,
for the time has come to see promising new days,
there's love in the air,
all this at a time, sounds rare.

the lights are glowing everywhere,
showing that there's nothing to fear,
He has come to earth once again,
and He will remain here forever remain.
to fill a lost feeling in every soul,
that in life we have a very important role,
to love others as you have never loved them before,
to care for others as if you have never done it before.

i wanted to say all this to you,
and show you a beautiful night's view,
i couldn't, so i chose Santa to tell you,
on my behalf, may all your dreams come true,
let there be smile on your face,
let there be like these more gleeful days,
listen to those far and near,
they all sing "happy new year" "


I was so happy on your birthday and i thought the day was mine,
of war and terror there was no sign,
then all of a sudden, you gave us a massive "nine",
and that destroyed everything that was fine.

the huge wave triggered by the massive quake,
something that can devasation make,
and millons of life in a second that could take
away with it, with all lives at stake.

a flourishing market turned into a grave,
and there was little left to save,
anly they survived who were brave,
and others were left for their little ones to crave,

everything happened in an instant, i thought i was dreaming,
but it all happened under the sunday sun that was gleaming,
and you will have a long queue outside your paradise,
because we believe that we will see you after demise.

you are only a belief among us, because nobody has seen you,
and very few are left down here who can tell us what's true,
all we wanted is few smiles and tears for the new year
an you gave us more reasons to fear,
but wait! why am i blaming you for all devastation?
am i responsible for destruction?

few say it might be due to mining and drilling,
and the fragile environment that we are harming,
has given us a good reply,
and may be this will cause for more sincere efforts to apply,
to protect mother nature, promising a better future.

all i ask you is give us some more time,
before a devastation like this could rhyme.
because no one would be left to shed tears,
and there will be fear and panic in coming years.

please save us from your wrath,
i promise that there will be and we shall share love and warmth,
we will live like brothers and take good care of others
this is all i ask you,
please protect us and help us to mke our dreams come true.


Look at the sun, it's so special today,
shining brightly, it smiles "happy birthday"

hear to the birds chirping among themselves,
looks like they are aiting for you to come out.
beacuse they have come to see you and no one else
and sing "happy birthday" in chorus.

perhaps the air also seems to know about you,
that's why there's fragrance all over when you walk,
and the world seems to be more sweet when you talk.

i guess it should be a busy day for your mobile ,
giving you no time to dial ,
to your friends , because they would be the first to wish you.
no wonder such people are always few.

nothing is more sweet and cut than your smile,
looks like world is a heaven for a little while
wishing you a thousand more smiles on your birthday,
have a wonderful day and wishing a great day to be as special as you are.


may be there have been lot of stories told,
yet there are many feelings to unfold.

sometimes i wish , i was more than a friend to her
sometimes i wish i could more to her.

the scene was perfect, and the stars were glowing bright,
yet i missed the chance and couldn't do things right.
we think silence is gold and speech is silver,
but long before i realised that talking is clever,
the wind had blown away the precious little thing,
and there was brightness all over.

i thought i was about to lock myself in a dark room,
till a gabriel came and told me "there is still hope".
i knew i couldn't remove brightness,
to make my own road, but i kinda forged,
an unseen pact ro live in harmony.

sometimes i wish i should have expressed myself before it was late,
yet nature seems to like people like me,
hence it opened doors plenty or me to see,
i was gifted with a vision to see beauty,
yet i sometimes feel lonely.......so incomplete,

sometimes i wish i could cry with my head on your lap,
and then not my words but tears shall speak the truth,
that i will be always there for you,
and it's not a matter of day or two,
but i shall love you for time infinite,
i will be always there for you like the stars and moon in the night,
and shall always care for you though i am out of sight.

sometimes......someday i hope you will realise the truth,
and smiled that there ever existed a thing like this on earth.


you seem to be like a piece from heaven,
it's time for our love to be woven,

walking with you down the meadow,
i followed you like a shadow,
i walked down the street
to see how me you treat?

i was dying to see you all day hence,
i waited across the fence,
your face , i craved to look,
precious hours of my life all it took.

everyone says i am a hunk,
but when i saw you my courage sank.

now you are like a socket
drawing all bucks from my pocket

i remember loving your beautiful face,
i cannot forget all those days
don't push me into a ditch
don't caste a spell on me like a witch.

at me even if you laugh,
deep down the heart you know that a guy i am to be proud of.


I wanna hold your hand,
and show you a world grand.
i wanna walk along with you
and show you things few.

look at the sun,it says something to us,
quoting it as radiation we make a big fuss.

look at the moon and stars, they show something to us
terming science and maths we discard them as nothing.

i thing it's the way God sees us,
and if something miraculous happens
we term it as a sign of Armageddon- Judgement day.
this is beacuse we have not come out of the fray.
a fray which goes on and on within us
to know who ou are , to know why you are here?

it's so simple yet difficult to understand,
between you and me there's only subtle bondage strand.

let's pray that we shall forever live here,
and live without any fear,
fear of dying someday,
beacuse we will reach Him anyway....

Sunday, June 12, 2005


I wanna feel the day and the sun,
I wanna feel the night and the moon,
i wanna feel....my life.

i am yet to see the day,
which the world spends without fray.
I am like a man who would wait for warmth
where there's no sun.
and the wind doesn't let anything to glow.

maybe it's notthe wind,
but a feeling from behind,
behind from the past....behind from the legend..
that nothing should change....
and that there's always an anamoly that exists..
which balances every force that resists..

why should anything change?
they say it's not about a day or night, but a gradual change.
i guess i wanna feel that change...
i wanna see that change.

i wanna feel the touch of a soul,
whop would explain about what's happening around,
i wanna feel the air which blows on me with gentle care,
i wanna feel the voices that glance at mje.
i wanna feel someone who's crying to break free...
i wanna feel me.....me....me.....

Sunday, June 05, 2005

Is it joy or fantasy?

i am in a different world now...
i am in a strange land now...
it feels like a fantasy land...
it feels like a amazing land...

Life is so beautiful...
life is so colourful...
yet, there's something missing!

i donno know if it's my brain or heart hissing...
but i know...i am lost now...
yeah...yeah i am lost now...
always looking at something
that would reflect at my identity...

i see my reflection in the mirror...
and laught at myself...
who's this? who have i become?

i didn't want to be like this,
i didn't want to be someone that i am not...

yet something has changed now....
no...everything has changed...and is changing...

i am lost....i am lost.
i am lost to find the meaning,
i am lost to find the strange feeling,
i am lost to find the strange land i had been dreaming,

yet it feels so good....good to look at god's creation...
and smile at his beautiful creation...
i don't wanna miss this....i don't wanna go away....

(if u r wondering what i have written about......it's just what passed through my mind in a shopping mall..:):)..)


They come and they go...
i doubt whether they got what they had come for?
it feels so empty.....it feels so dark.
there's always a search for enlightment..
there's always a fight for betterment...

Then...there i think i saw it...my life.
and it vanished before i could feel it..
there's so much to do...
there's so much to go through...

Why doesn't time stop for a moment?
just a moment to set all things right....
to see which direction is the one right...

Perhaps, then there would be no meaning of chaos,
it's how our lives are....
and the best thing is we like it that way...
we like to be in a fray with ourselves...

At the end of the day it feels like...
it was just another day...
it's gonna be just another night..
no one expects to see the end...
but it's something they always fear...

i wonder what if life had come to an end..
amd start over all again...
funny....isn't it?

may be somethings always go on....
somethings always grow on....
and maybe life is just another thing among them...

As they say"It's your life...make it large"
Perhaps you gotta live it to tell about it.....
and life goes on and on and on.....

Tuesday, May 10, 2005


It's been so long,
yet it feels like time has gone by like a song.

It's been so long,
since i have been to the place where I belong.

It's been so long,
and most of the times things have gone wrong.

It's been ages since I smiled like a child,
earlier everything around me was placid and mild,
and now things have changed so much,
that i feel like i am just another moron of the bunch

There's no reason.....there's no meaning
my mind is just aimlesslesy roaming.

I wanna fly away home,
and sleep on the lap of my mom,
I wanna fly away home,
I wanna fly away home....

It's a matter of 2 days,
it's a matter of who's gonna win the race,
I guess life goes on like this,
things are gonna continue like this....

It's the same sun everywhere,
but never the same fun everywhere...
Life here just sways like the wind,
all the time pushing us from behind...

Life goes on and i wanna break free...
life goes on and i wanna fly away home....

Saturday, May 07, 2005


I walk on a lonely road,
trying to figure out what exactly is a "load".

I walk on the lonely road,
trying to see some decent marks on the board.

I walk on the lonely road,
trying to figure out what happens near a "node".

Is this my "reluctance" ?
or delay in proper "reactance" ?
there's a subtle foil,
which blinds me to know more about a "coil"...

what exactly is this?
what exactly is this crisis?
I am six steps away from being grounded,
I am six days away from being screwed,
and i am thinking,
may be there's some hope blinking...

it's not about what i am gonna make.....
though a 'C' would be like icing on the cake.
what do i need now?
i need to figure out how?

all i need to do is....stand tall,
and save myself from a steep fall...

I am down with fear,
Oh Heavens!!! look down here,
i am crying but my tears are dry,
something always keeps my spirits high....

I am down with fear,
why isn't my future clear?
I am down with fear,
Please help me God....Oh my dear..

i am down with fear,
i am down with fear.....

Friday, May 06, 2005


As I at my life take a glance,
i find all the while i was craving for one last chance.

one last chance was all i had asked for,
and promised to do well in my sem four.

one last chance was all i had asked for,
and things became complicated more.

i made promises many,
and couldn't keep any
i knew deep down i was sinking,
but i thought there was hope somewhere still winking

and now 6 days is all i have,
6 days of test to see if i am brave
6 days to see my growth
6 days to see the truth.

and here i am sitting and expecting to see a miracle.
and waiting to see if within me, the sparks crackle
i look upto the stars and say i got plenty of things to tackle
and they smile back at me with a sparkle

one last chance is all i have,
and i am thinking if there's anyway i could myself save
one last chance......one last chance


One day, we were walking by the side of a lake and she said something. That little thing changed my life thereafter. It was the simple truth that was there in my mind all the while but I wouldn’t realize it.

“You see Uncle James…I was thinking about you…your life…Anna. I think you can do something about it.”

“But? .... how? I have tried….but failed always.”

“That was years ago. But there has always been one problem. You couldn’t see the issue from both sides. You assumed that Anna didn’t like you and may be she too thought so. And you created brick after brick…wall after wall in your minds. Let’s look at this in some other way. All the time you had the notion that there’s some way or the other that you could remove all the hassles. But have you talked to your daughter from your heart? Have you looked into her eyes and say how much you love her ……how much you care about her? You know life isn’t all about how you lead…..solving problems…and other stuff…it’s about how you live it. May be you will not be popular or well known for this, but people around you, they know you, they understand you. They care about you…love you. You have done it all…may be you should do something one last time. Remember …there’s always hope.”

I could see it too…like the twilight…like the last ray of sun setting in the west.

I went home…and I saw Anna sitting near the T.V I sat beside her and may be in days for the first time I tried to talk to her. Words were plenty in the dictionary but I could barely remember any that day.

“What happened dad? Is there something you want to say?”

“Ahhh….yeah...yeah. I was wondering what your plans were for the rest of the day.”

“Why? Is everything all right..?”

“Yeah…everything is fine...”

“You know, when your mom was ill, I talked to her few hours before she died and she told me something to tell you.”

“Dad…why are you saying all this?”

“Let me complete…what I had to say.” I could feel my decibel level go beyond my expectation.

“She wanted to tell you,”Anna…I have always known you as a stubborn and adamant girl. But deep down your heart you had always craved for your father. You wanted to spend some time with him. The truth is…he too wanted to. He wanted to spend all the time with you. He loves you…he cares about you, but the only thing is he cannot express it. That’s the strangest thing I have noticed in him. He cannot express his love. He tried telling you all the time. He tried to let his heart burst open…he couldn’t withhold his emotions. Give him one chance…give him one chance…”…”

“Anna….give me one chance…give me one chance.”

I could see Anna smiling from within. She said, “Why are you cooking up a story?”

“I know it’s you who wanted to tell me all this…not mom. Don’t blame yourself for her death. She died happily…with a strong faith and hope that a day like thins would come. One day when my father would walk up to me and look into my eyes and say.” Anna, I love you…I care about you.”

As she said these words…she started crying. I could see the innocence in her eyes, exactly the same as they were when she was born. I had failed to look at the most beautiful thing of my life all this time.

Tears started rolling down my eyes and I stared into the depth of her eyes….her heart. I kissed her on the forehead and hugged her. I remember that was one day when I cried so much that may be I wouldn’t have stopped until pooja turned up. I introduced her to Anna and told her that this has all happened because of pooja. She had told me once about her parents who died in an accident and about the wonderful time she had spent with them and how she got over the shock. She was “the” one who showed the doors of the great gift that God had made for us…HOPE. It never fades….if one door closes, as they say...10 doors open up.

All the time I was wondering if I would ever be able to talk to my daughter. And then I believed in “Hope” and now I had two daughters. Yes, pooja was more like a daughter to me….in fact more than that…she was my teacher, friend….my angel of hope.

And as I pen this incident sitting in heaven sipping the best coffee along with my wife, I wonder what would have happened if I hadn’t gone to park that day when I met pooja….

May be God would have sent her to me through some other way. As they say…there’s always hope…it’s true. There’s always hope. It’s one thing that changed everything…a war…a depression…a life. It changed mine and I have barely any words to express the beauty of hope.

Hope is everything….it’s the very essence of life.

I found mine…..did U????


After she went, I started thinking about the world around me. Twenty years down the lane I will be unable to walk or even talk. And there would be no one to take care of me. And what happens after that? One fine morning I will be gone and there will be none to dig a grave for me. That was my biggest fear and the rest looked very small.

It was noon now and time to go back home. Anna was not at home, she had gone for a trip with her friends. I cooked few things and sat on my table to check few papers and I had to prepare the rest of the schedule for the coming week. I switched on the T.V and there was an interview of a celebrity. This reminded me of something that happened few years back. I was giving a presentation about “Conflict in families” and an excited student asked “Do you love your daughter?”
The question had come out of the blue and I didn’t what to say.
“Yes. I do. Why do you ask me that?”
“Do you love your daughter more than your wife?”
What could I say? I couldn’t answer this question. I could never compare my love for someone with another person’s for the same.


I walked to the door to see who it was.

“Hello uncle…ohhh…it’s you. Remember we met the other day in the park it’s me Pooja. I just moved to the apartment next to yours. I was wondering if I could get a cup of milk?” she said with a huge smile on her face.

“Oh yeah..Pooja…I remember you. Come in…make yourselves comfortable”

“Ok...” and she stepped in…inside my lonely world.

“Here’s your cup….do u want anything else?”


“You can call me Uncle James…”

“Uncle James, I think you should have more light in this drawing room. It looks gloomy. I am sorry…if I should have said this or not, but I thought it would do some good.”

“Maybe you are right. There’s rarely anyone to take care of this house now…” and I was crying deep down my heart. I was all the while in the feeling that my wife was alive and she would take care of everything. She was alive…everywhere …around the house, in the kitchen….in the garden…everywhere around me…deep inside my heart.

“Maybe I will come later and do some changes here. It would make the place look better” said Pooja. “Bye Uncle James….I should go now, there are lot of people who are waiting for me in my apartment. I will see you soon...”

“Bye Pooja.”

There was something special about this girl. She was almost half my age, but never treated me as an old man. I blessed her silently; and I had developed a belief that may be she’s the one whom god had sent to take care of me. The hope never fades away. You know what the best thing about hope…..is? If you think that hope is fading away, you can still hope that there’s some hope.
And days like these passed by and she kept coming. We were good friends now and I told her everything about my wife, Anna and me. I should say in more than 5 years, she was the first person who didn’t show sympathy but applauded me for my courage. She would say,” Uncle James, the problems are plenty but the truth is you are still standing.”
I was standing…wasn’t I??? Standing against all trouble…odds…standing with hope and courage as my pals. I was fighting for my existence; I was fighting for my rights…right to live. Above all I was fighting to express my love.


This is a story....about belief...about faith....a hope for a better tommorow....it's about hope....it's about life......


"cuckoo…..cuckoo...” The alarm clock was ringing as usual. It was 7:00 A.M in the morning. I got up and after few daily chores set out for my daily jogging.

“Good morning Mr. James”, said my neighbor. “How are you today?”

“Oh…that’s really nice of you for asking me, I am fine. How about you? ”

“I am fine sir; I was going to get some vegetables from the market. You know you should come to my house for dinner some day. Anyway I got to go now. Otherwise my wife is going to scream at me…hehehe…”

This was my usual meeting with my neighbor who had been courteous to me right from the day we moved in twenty years back. Not only him, but everyone in the locality was very generous to me. But I think they were expressing their grief and pity for me because of my wife’s death three years ago had a huge impact on me. I wouldn’t talk; I wouldn’t smile when others are involving themselves in a funny conversation. Something was wrong with me. I lived along with my twenty year old daughter Anna, though I must say I lived alone in my own house.

I went around the park and finally sat on my favorite bench right next to the lake. There were hundred’s of people who had come to the central park that day. I wondered if it was a Sunday. How could I remember?…..I was lost in my own thoughts all the time…..Loneliness, as they say was my biggest fear…it was my biggest enemy.

“Hello Uncle. Can I sit here?” asked a pretty girl who was in her mid twenties.

“Yeah….” I said smiling at her.

We didn’t talk for more than an hour. I decided to stay for a long time; I didn’t want to go home. I knew I wasn’t loved there. I just existed, I wasn’t living. Thinking of all this, somewhere in those five minutes a stream of weightless tears had started trickling down my eyes.

Then, the girl sitting beside me asked,” Is everything all right...why are you crying?”

“I was lost in thought. Rather remembered someone whom I lost”

“Oh. I am sorry. I didn’t know that.”

“That’s ok. It has been quite sometime now. And I am recovering from the shock of losing my dear wife.”

“How did she die?”

What should I tell this little girl!!! The world knew that she died of heart attack but I knew that she was very apprehensive about the life of our only daughter, Anna. She wouldn’t listen to anyone. But Anna missed her father a lot…she missed me. I couldn’t be with my daughter when she needed me. And she thought I didn’t love her. This was the crux of all the trouble.

I remained silent…I knew I couldn’t talk about it much.

“It’s ok if you don’t want to tell me.” The girl sitting beside me said.

“No….No….it’s not that. It’s just that there aren’t enough words to explain what happened. May be some other day”

“I am Pooja. Nice meeting you. I have to go now. My friend will be waiting for me.”

“Bye Pooja…I will meet you some other day.”

Monday, May 02, 2005

Me, Myself and fate

We praise God and huge stories of his miracle, we create,
but always we forget to ask Him why he forgot to write for all of us same FATE.

we create good and bad and blame it on others,
we praise some and despise others,
and we most of the times hesitate to claim what's ours
till someone comes and snatches it away from u what's your's.

we tend to blame it on fate,
and no one knows the exact date,
when this term was created,
we say it has automatically originated.

fate is the meaning...fate is destiny
we let that rule our lives without any scrutiny,
and today when i screwed up badly, i ask myself "was this in my destiny?"
"was it bound to happen...thanks to courtesy of fate?"

but.....fate doesn't originate by itself,
it's written by men who rule their own lives,
fate doesn't originate by itself,
it's a matrix blinding us from the reality of life.

i have to fight....fight, not until i win a battle but till i win the war
may be this day seems too far
but a day like this will come in future
and there shall be no dreams of soul torture...

flowers will bloom in happiness,
and there will be no mark of sadness.
a "sun", will rise in a land far away from his parents,
and then he shall do nothing to them that hurts

i am waiting...i am waiting...
thinking of "one fine day"....
when i would go to a heart sinking
with a smile on my face and a hope of brighter things to come...

i shall write my own fate .... i shall challenge my own fate
till i prove that there's no such thing that exists
which retains u from reaching u r goal
and brings dreary things to a innocent soul

the bottom line is "fate doesn't exist....."
but why do i believe in it????

Friday, April 29, 2005

The final conflict

this has been the major question which we ask ourselves. is this what we are destined to become? sometimes, it feels as if we were not made for this. yet, we are the part of the game, which seems to be going nowhere. life is all about conflicts and solutions everywhere, everytime. some fight for their share and others compromise. this is what we do, at school, college, homes .... offices .... at every walk of life.
there have been innumerable references in history in this aspect. one very good example could be the partition between india and pakistan. we compromised, because we cared for millions who were being mercilessly massacred. and now we are fighting from the madness of few fanatics. and we talk of brighter days to come. that's the exact point which drives us forward to a glorious future. this has what helped us to steer ahead from the dark days. hope...
the whole point boils down to the way u see the world.....the way u see things. if u see a rose and not the thorns, perhaps it's the most beautiful thing, but at the same time only thorns....it would spoil the whole idea of it being beautiful...few good men have managed to convert their destiny into reality...i too would want to do that. but the worst part is the future is so hazy that i can't see where i am going, i can't see where i am destined to. as they say...it's u r actions which speaks volumes....perhaps i am in search of one such oppurtunity to prove myself or atleast i can show i am worth it. "trust"....is one of the most important thing in life. it's like the pillar in every action that involves a group...a company....and even u. u gotta trust u r self that u r worth it...and this is what u were destined to do..and i am gonna change it into reality.

once upon a time i dreamt of something....
i thought that was my destiny.
atlast i am left with nothing,
this is my reality.

once upon a time i was prepared to take on the world,
and was ready to take decisions bold,
but now all this seems so old,
my hands run cold,
and my head is full of stories untold.

once upon a time i lived like a king,
everyone thought , gr8 harmony i would bring.
and now i can feel my dreams withering away,
for things unimaginable i am making way.

the only thing which holds me now is hope,
sometimes i feel as if i am on dope,
sometimes i feel in darkness i grope,
and world says that with itself i need to cope.

no, i am not a loser,
i am just one- step closer
to realise my destiny
which i wanna see as my reality

There's something special about "MOVIES".......

The very first thing which comes to everyone's mind (supposedly) is that this guy is crazy. why the hell does he see so many movies? why is he wasting his time on movies....that too watching movies thrice.....sometimes even more than that.???

yes. it's true that i am crazy about movies....i do watch movies more than twice. infact i have seen "MATRIX" (part-1).......almost 15 times because the first 10 times i didn't understand the concept of the movie and the next 5 times, i couldn't stop appreciating the concept...quite an irony isn't it?
one of my favourite lines is "the thing is, the movie was not that bad." as far as i remember there are less than handful movies which have got a bad review from me from the long list of movies that i have seen so far. and that's why i sometimes don't tell my friends to see some movie even if it's good, b'coz they do realize after staying so many days with me that i can't give a bad review for anything.
movies have always been a part of my life...right from childhood when i would see almost 3 shows back to back in a town near my ancestral village. even now i do, each time i go there....
my dad and my's aunt's daughter were the first ppl whom i can proudly say inspired me in the art of watching movies.....it requires patience.....capacity to smile at all the comedy clips again and again.......and a good heart to say "awww...that's so cute" when there's a scene which u like in the movie again and again and again. a few words for one of my biggest passions....


i can quote about movies in a line,
"It ' moves' ur heart."
there's comedy, emotion, drama, romance....
there's joy, happiness, sorrow, tears...
there's LIFE.

it's not about a boy and a girl dancing in the rain under the trees,
it's the way we see pursue things.
i see it as a writer singing praises of his imaginary lady,
though the words most of the time turn out to be quite hmmmm....indecent ones...
and some see it as a waste of time......

it doesn't matter what we think?
or does it?
we teach our children what's good and bad...
but do we teach them how to do it and when to do the right thing?

life is it just the way we see it...
but sometimes it turns out to be someone is guiding us all the while.
they say movies are inspired from real stories,
and some say movies inspire real stories.
and the discussion goes on...

they say there's nudity in movies,
but they also say it's bold....it's the passion inside u.
so it boils down to what u think of this and that.
and follow things by u r gut.

that's why movies are so important,
they replicate the past,
predict the future
and depict the present.

it's stylish, heart felt and amazing creation
which sometimes leaves us spellbound...
the whole thing is for just these magical words....

u may say this is stupid....it's only for entertainment
thing again.....sometime..someday u will come across something similar to a scene from a movie
and say..."deja vu"....i saw this in that movie.
that's the power of movie....
it has some godlevel fundas.....gr8 code breakings...
it's fun...but it gives us a hope...
"everything that's shown is possible,
may be not now...but someday in future
or was someday in past"

that's the power of movies....sometimes it's it weakness too.....
that's all what i wanted to say....a few words for one of my biggest passions.

I have scaled a new height.......

After six hours of writing my first comprehensive examination of 4th semester, i finally felt as if i will never ever forget the good...bad....worse experiences of this course called "measurement techniques-II" .......so a few words of what all we did.....

what a nightmare it has been so far,
thinking of which i can only stare.

we toiled in the sun,
with water and clay we had fun.
we saw circiuts blow up
and even broke machines worth lakhs..

we had fun , we had joy
we "created" couples,
and it looks like as if the whole thing's gonna be real
three hours of hardwork a day and 30 minutes of copying is what we did,
though few really struggled for the all the mistakes to get rid.

but is it what we were supposed to learn,
i mean we did really do few things here,
but what happened today!!...is it what we really earn?
were we destined to get screwed?

you could feel the pain on our faces,
smile and joy on few faces had some traces,
and the rest....we had expected the whole thing to be rod,
but the ultimate destruction was so broad.
that i feel..."is it worth it?"

they say it's important, and is of f***ing 4 units,
and the only way where few good men loose their 10,
and the rest crave to make a good grade.
there's nothing wrong with what we did.
but why?....but why?

atlast today after 6 hours of close encounter with satanic wave
of course in the form of an exam
i can breathe some air and say loudly,
i scaled a new height,
and i will be gone far from sight
atleast from the circuits
though the huge f***ing machines will be my new lab
with my old godamn f***ing screwing up vivas
from ppl who think they are "it"...
and can torture the poor guy's soul.....

i am coming....i am coming
only time is gonna decide who's gonna be the "LAST MAN STANDING"
in days to come.....
may the Almighty be with us through the dark hours
and shower love and happiness and give us good memories
b'coz these are some of the few things that we need to keep for

Wednesday, April 27, 2005


I continued meeting Sara for the next few days….and one day I was little late in meeting her. When I went to that place she was already waiting for me.
“Anand. Why are you late today? I was waiting for you for a long time now.”
“I had to buy these chocolates for you, Sara. That’s why I was late.”
“What are these? These aren’t chocolates….these are called peppermints, which are almost extinct now. Where did you get these? I love these small things.”
I knew I couldn’t buy her the latest brands, though I wished to. But I was very happy to hear her last sentence.
“Tell me Anand…where do you live?”
I didn’t want to tell her that I was homeless.
“I live in a far away place.”
“My mom says, if you like someone they reside in your heart however far they may be.”
“So am I residing in your heart?” I asked her.
“I don’t know, I don’t think so. Because you are not in a far away place. You are right in front of me.” She said with a huge smile.
I was smiling at her. I couldn’t resist it.
“Look what have I brought for you!”
“A few laddoos which my mom made at home. Now be a good boy and don’t eat everything yourself. We will share them. Here these are for you and these for me.”

I was eating a home-made laddoo!!! It felt like heaven to eat something so handful in size after such a long time. It was then at this fine moment a tragic thing happened. One of Sara’s neighbors happened to see Sara talking to me. She was shell shocked and simply took Sara away with her…more like dragged her away. I couldn’t resist her from doing it. I mean I wanted to hold her hand and stop her but who knows…these days you cannot trust anyone. She might even pull me to court on the charges of “sexual harassment”. After a short time her mom came up to inspect the situation. She was red and said,” Sara, what were you doing with him? Don’t you see he’s so shabby? You might get some unknown diseases. Did you eat anything that he gave you? Oh my God! What are these?” She was looking at the peppermints that I had given her.
“What are you feeding my daughter? Just get lost and never meet my daughter or else I will call the police.”
“Mama, what are you doing? He’s my friend. You can’t do this. Please mama…please.” She was crying as her mom dragged her back to the house. She knew deep inside her heart that her mother didn’t like me because I was shabby. That night she stealthily took out her piggy bank and broke open the lock. She picked up a few pennies hat she had saved for herself. The next morning while she was sleeping her mother saw the huge debris in a corner of the room. She didn’t realize what that meant; perhaps she thought that Sara was going to buy some chocolate from the shop.

Next morning when I woke up I found an envelope lying by my side with my name on it.
I opened it and found a little note from Sara.

“Don’t bother how I found you. Here are some pennies that I had saved. I hope they will be of some help to you.
Your friend
Sara “
I couldn’t control my emotion. I was crying now…crying with my tears rolling down from the depth of my heart. All my life nobody had even bothered to help me and all this time I worked hard for livelihood. After my parents died in an accident I was lonely and I discontinued my studies. Nobody even bothered if I was alive or dead….and now…a little girl…a little girl who was just 10 years old was showering all the love and innocence on me. I cried and cried.

I felt that we are lonely even if are among a huge crowd if we don’t have someone to think about us, someone who would care about us. Now I was someone, something special for a little girl. And that made me feel special and…. important for her. I decided not to disappoint her. So I had a bath and borrowed some clothes with the money that Sara gave me and went out in search of a job and doing it now more rigorously. Finally a restaurant manager accepted to give me a small job. That was enough…more than enough. It sounded like heaven to me after all the hardships I had been through. After few days I began to earn and even save something. And I continued to meet Sara though her mother didn’t know about that. I might not have been earning salaries in 6 figures like the IT guys but what I had was enough to buy chocolates for her and that mattered the most in my life now. She munched them away and kept asking for more and more. Little girl she was, but not her heart. She changed my whole life in an instant because she thought I was important to her. And that made me test my endurance and do my best. She was everything for me now. I learnt that it always need not be the rich who would come down and talk to poor souls like me; it could be anyone…like you and me. That would make them feel important, more than that they will feel happy that someone out there is ready to listen to them.

“Thank you! Sara. Thank you! You changed my destiny. I will always remember you. You are the most important thing in my life now. I promise that I will be you best friend” I said to myself. I couldn’t meet her for a few days. I was working for extra time to earn more and may be even rent an apartment. But I heard that one of her teeth had to be removed because of tooth decay caused by excessive consumption of chocolates.
“Poor Sara…she must have been lonely without me!” after some days I finally met her at the same old place and she was happily playing with other children.
“Anand! Anand! How are you? Where were you all these days? Why didn’t you meet me?”
“Where was I? Let’s see…….I am right in front of you.” I said remembering what she had said earlier.
“No Anand. You are always in my heart,” she said kissing my cheek with her thin lips.

That was my sweet little Sara, who changed my destiny……………


this is my second story ......


“You are still here!!!! You …..Son of a bitch. Just get the hell out of here or you will be definitely in trouble. Don’t you remember I had given a warning to you the other day,” shouted a cop as he saw me lying on a bench on a Sunday morning in central park.
“Take it easy, take it easy! I was just leaving.” I said as I got up to run away from that place as I could sense some trouble brewing up with the cop. I was already in such a bad state; I didn’t want to add another feather in my cap.

“Excuse me Sir, can I see today’s newspaper?” I asked a gentleman who was reading the supplement issue of THE SUNDAY TIMES in the same park just a few yards away from the bench where I had been sleeping. He looked at my state and just turned away. I thought he was about to puke as he couldn’t bear my shabby state. Yes, I was kind of dirty according to normal standards. It had been ages since I had taken proper bath. I decided to stroll across the street in search of one good soul who would sympathize at my bad state.

“Ladies and gentlemen, just move away from this area….the situation is under control,” shouted a cop just a few yards away as he dragged away a guy of somewhat my age.
“A gentleman seems to have called the cops to get this guy arrested who was asking for some help in spite of repeated warnings from the gentleman to stay away from him,” said a curious onlooker when I asked him what had happened. I thought I could have been in the same position as that of this guy if I had reached the scene few minutes earlier.

“No sir, no. Try to understand me. I didn’t do anything wrong. Please let me go…please,” the guy was pleading the cops who didn’t listen to this poor soul. I slipped away from the scene and look for something to eat. I was kind of new to the city, so couldn’t calculate how much an average meal would cost. Moreover I hadn’t eaten anything for a longtime. I was saving everything I could. I didn’t know why I was starving and didn’t even spend even a single penny…but today I had to eat something. It looked like coming closer to death with each penny spent. I quickly searched through my pocked and found not more than 10 pennies.

“Hello, excuse me! Get me something that’s worth not more than 2 pennies!” I asked the beautiful waitress in a cafĂ©. She smiled and brought me a glass of water.
“Here, this is what you get, now can I get anything else for you…or would u like to pay the bill?” she asked with an undying smile spreading through her face. I didn’t know what to do. Smile at the gorgeous girl or be sad that another day was about to pass without any food. I paid the bill and was back on the streets again.

It was almost 11:00 o’ clock now and I was searching for some shady place under the trees to rest…hunger does make one weak. Right across the street I saw children playing in a small community park. Children always brought some sweet memories of my childhood…something about them always interested me. I went to have a look what they were doing.

“Rahul, pass the ball quickly. Not there stupid, here. Come on fast,” said a tall guy. Must have been the eldest of all of them..
“Bhaiyya, why do you always call me stupid? I am not a kid anymore and I know what that means and it hurts. Don’t do it again or I will complain to mom.”, said Rahul to his brother.
“I don’t care, do what you want. Now just go and stand in your place…stupid. Oh! I am so sorry! You are gonna complain to mom…you are such a loser,” said his brother mocking at Rahul’s remarks.
Things were getting heated up and I could see Rahul with eyes full of tears and a determined face that he would teach him a lesson. After a few minutes, a very young girl came into the park and sat on a bench to watch the game.
She said,” I am new to this locality. Do you think we could be friends?”. She was asking a guy who was sitting beside her. This guy was munching a chocolate and didn’t care for her question. She then turned and asked almost everyone if they would allow her to play with them. Nobody seemed to be interested; I mean this girl was too young for their age. Then she saw me standing near the wall and stared at my shabby clothes and dirty face. But to my surprise, I was so glad to see her that I gathered some strength and managed to smile at her. And she smiled back.

“Hello! My name is Sara. I am new to this locality. Can we be friends?” she asked me.
Can you believe that!!!! She was so innocent and in such great need of friends that she wouldn’t mind to have me as her friend. I said,” Yes.”

“What’s your name friend?”

What was my name…what was my name? I was searching for an answer, I found it so hard, I mean it had been ages since someone had asked me that question and I had rarely spoken to anyone. Tears started rolling down her cheeks.
“I am Anand.,” I said giving her a smile.
“Anand come play with me. I want to show everyone that I have a friend too. Much taller than all of you, who will play with me …who can hit the ball so hard that it would be out of sight.”
“Here Anand…..come here. Today we will make a house with this sand. Come here…come fast.” I was so happy that someone was talking to me that I even forgot that I was 25 years old and she was only 10. Children do have magic when they speak.

“Sara…Sara beta! Where are you? It’s time to go home!” shouted her mother who was looking for her daughter. I knew if her mother had seen me it would mean trouble. She would think I was some kind of criminal who takes away children and sells their body parts. I bade Sara good bye and said that I would meet her later and she should go home.
“Ok…Anand. I will see you later.”
“Sara…Sara! Where are you?” her mother was closing in.
“Oh my God! What are you doing with the sand? You shouldn’t spoil it like that. The owner of this park will scold you. And you don’t like to be scolded…haina beta,” said her mother in a low voice after seeing her daughter filled with tears at her initial anger.
“Come on…let’s go we are getting late. Remember we have to go to your uncle’s house and you dad will be looking for us now.” She said as she took Sara away with her. I was standing behind the bush looking at my new little friend. I smiled at her and went away from that place. That day had passed without much hassle anywhere. I did look for few jobs but couldn’t make any. They all thought they were too good to look at my state.


After 2 hours mom went in and asked dad to come for dinner. He didn’t respond. She asked him again and again. But he didn’t talk. Now that was something strange! We knew he was sad but he always responded to a question. But not now! Not today! I peeped inside the bedroom and saw dad holding mom’s hand …probably he was scared, afraid of something! Mom couldn’t keep quiet and asked him what had happened. Dad slowly started talking and finally told that his boss was not satisfied with his work. This was pretty normal though but he somehow got so serious that I guess his mind stopped functioning.
He started sweating! His face turned black! We knew what these symptoms were of…..mental depression…. We tried our best to persuade him that everything would be alright there’s no need to worry, but he wouldn’t listen, he had passed that stage. And now only two things could help him. It’s either his friends or the “mind” clinic. Mom promised him that we would meet his friends the next morning and I think he was pleased and then he slept.

Perhaps it was at 1:00A.M when I heard the front door creaking. Someone had opened the door!!!! It was dad!!!!!!! I had the habit if sleeping in the hall and I suddenly woke up and began to run behind him and mom followed too. We finally got him only a couple of feet away from the house and asked him…
“Where are you going at this time of hour?”
“Come on let’s go inside. We will definitely meet your friends.”
“I want to go out for a walk.”
“Where will you go?”
“I don’t know, I will come home later.”
“Don’t be so stubborn, it’s cold out here. Come on let’s get in.”
Finally we somehow managed to sleep, all four of us in the hall. And mom had all the while held his hand in hers. The next morning mom got up and went to the kitchen. She searched for the knife and to her shock she found some red stains on it. What was that???

Oh my God!!! It’s blood! Pure thick red blood!!!

She suspected something really serious and followed the thinly visible blood drops which led to the bathroom and there again she found thick blotch of blood there. She ran towards dad who got up and looked at his hands…
“What the hell? Why did you do this? Why? I wouldn’t in my dreams could think that you could do something like this?”
Then I got up and to my shock, I found a 5mm deep cut on his right hand just below the palm. Blood had stopped oozing revealing the flesh inside. The knife had miraculously missed the nerves!!!!!!!!
“What’s the matter with you? What are you in short of now! Children are doing well! Manish has made it into the most prestigious college in the country! Though your salary isn’t sufficient; we are still able to manage it. Why did you do this? Why?” she was talking to the paralyzed ears of his. She knew he had to be hospitalized immediately. I remember her telling me few times that he had gone to an extent of clutching the electric wires in such condition once almost 15 years ago. And now he was here in much severe condition.
“Manish, call your uncle, look for his number.”
“Write down the doctor’s address and telephone number on a piece of paper. This is urgent, do it quickly”, she kept on telling while combing her hair.

I was so shocked that I couldn’t believe my eyes. I did what mom had told me to do and later waited for my uncle to arrive when he arrived it took almost an hour to get dad dressed to go to hospital.
“Stay in the house and if anyone calls tell them we had gone out and we will return by 5 o’clock in the evening.”
I stared at my surroundings and then at sky, “God! What are you doing? And that too to dad! You know him more than I do. Why God? Why?”
I knew I wouldn’t find an answer because it was we who knew the answer or more than that who had to find an answer.
I switched on the T.V. perhaps that would release my tension. At probably 12:00PM the door bell rang and I saw my brother come in.
“What happened?” I asked him. And then I saw dad coming in, he was smiling….smiling!!!! He smiled at me and went inside to sleep. I slowly asked my brother what happened. He said “We went and sat in a bus and after sometime I saw a beautiful lady come in. I kept looking at her and to my surprise dad was looking at me…I mean he caught me red handed dude. He smiled…smiled!!!! I couldn’t believe it. I smiled too and then he started talking about my studies, about how things are going on in our lives, how his work is going on. When we finally reached the hospital that everything is fine, just the cut needs to be stitched. And finally he gave some tranquillizers and we are here. That’s it”

I couldn’t believe my eyes now…simply couldn’t., after all that happened in a matter of 8 hours .his going out at 1:00am, cutting his hand, refusing to wear his shirt to go to hospital…it simply is not possible to come back to a normal state in a short time. Then I thought over it and realized that everything had changed b’coz dad just managed to smile and he got a response for that from his son. And then he opened his heart and let his feelings burst open till there was nothing left.

My whole idea of dealing with people changed. I began to look at my dad’s life more closely, what he had been through is unimaginable!! My salaam to one amazing human being who loves to be praised. Yes we all love to be praised, praised for even he small things which otherwise would go unnoticed. He was my hero from then on, though I have to confess that I never really found time to talk to him but then life seemed to be simpler and happier. All because he just managed to smile on the tragic day of our lives!!!! That was one fine day that lasted for only few hours but had an experience of lifetime for me. I learnt the biggest secret in making people fall in love with you is to listen to them when they talk….when they smile because there are lots of untold and emotional words in one simple and true smile.

And again as usual life was normal though there were fears that dad would again resort to some crazy stuff again.. All we wanted to see was,” Same old dad who used to crack PJ’s, laughed at everything, enjoyed his food, movies, friends and above all the family,…us”

hope u have enjoyed the story, as much as i did while writing it....


here's a story which i had written few days back....i hope u will like it.

“Mom I am home.” I said to myself after a long day at school. The very thought of reaching home was so refreshing that I used to forget that I had toiled hard at school. For me and my brother home meant great food, T.V and some fighting between us

“Manish and Aashish, you are early today! What happened? Did they leave you early?” mom asked us. Probably she didn’t know that we had a habit of gaping widely at the huge billboards displaying ads of new movies. We used to discuss about the movie, gorgeous girls and cool gadgets while walking from the bus stop to our home in the second floor in almost a secluded apartment in the suburb of the city.
“Mom what have you cooked for us today?” we asked as we rushed in, to taste what mom had cooked for us.
She never liked it and said,” Both of you, out of here! Boys shouldn’t come inside here like this, it’s not good manners!”
But we always managed our share..,” mama, please mama, just one piece, another piece this will be the last piece.”
“Hey guys leave something for your dad.” And then she would push us out of there. And as usual it was T.V time.
My brother was only two years younger to me, so we always had something in common though not anything seriously major one. And you know what teenagers have in common!! . And then we finished our homework which we rarely did after coming from school. But somehow we just had our own ideas, I wanted to see “matrix” probably for the 15th time and he “Know your star”, a chat show in a popular channel.

“No, I came here first. Give me the remote!”
“Who said? I don’t care, I am elder to you, and you should obey me.”
“I don’t even care if you are elder.”

I couldn’t keep quiet, but couldn’t do anything either though I was red. I was just staring at him, at the deep scar just above his eye, which reminded me of the freaky incident. I pushed him onto razor sharp steps and he fell right over and began bleeding. I still know I didn’t mean to do it, but it happened. He was only 4 at that time and that still hurts me. Finally I said, “Alright let’s settle it for wrestling. What do you say?”
“Ok, I give up, let’s see something before mom takes charge and turns on her typical saas-bahu crap!”
We took our places and I have to say, this was one particular show which we wouldn’t miss at all even though if there’s an exam the next day. We were half through the show when the phone rang; it kept ringing, and ringing.

“Manish, pick up the phone”, mom began to lose it and shouted from the kitchen. I didn’t want to get up from my seat. I was so immersed in watching the show. I jumped and answered the call. It was my friend who was asking for my rank in board exams. “Dude, I made it. What about you?” We talked for sometime and I finally said, ”Now I got something important going on here. Seeya tomorrow.” I still had one exam left after my board exams were completed and that’s why I was going to school. Mom was now sitting outside in the balcony looking at the huge buildings being built on either way of the road. But I knew she was waiting for dad to come home, she was worried about his health. He hadn’t been well mentally because my grandmother had passed away just a year ago.

Talking about my grandmother, my dad was the eldest among the siblings. He loved her so much that he always had put aside some share of his meager monthly income to send to her though mom would seriously resist. On the last day of her life in hospital she was craving to meet her son who was living 500 miles away and later died, with her last wish still unfulfilled. This incident shook him so much that he was often noticed to have spent hours in silence with his eyes staring on the files.

Suddenly mom got up from her chair. We knew it was dad who was coming on his old scooter which made a typical sound. He came in and drank a glassful of water and directly went to sleep.

.........to be continued

musings of a blank mind.....

i never ever thought that one fine day i will be blogging like this. i did consider lot of times to do this, but there were three ppl who inspired me to make a concious effort to do this. first of all i wanna thank abhilash and ravi chandra who have forced this idea of blogging right from the beginning. then it was jenny, who lives in Long Island, NY whom i met recently on orkut. and then it was anshie (check out her blog....http://annshh.blogspot.com) her blog named "reflections" has inspired me a lot to start my own blog. one of the main reason being i could identify myself with all that anshie had written in the blog...though i have never spoken to her...i wish her a happy life whole heartedly.....and talking about jenny....i just recently met her on orkut...and believe me ppl she's one of the most wonderful women i have come across so far. it's so difficult to find someone who's so interested in knowing the other person and her love for india and the culture here....jenny, if u r reading this posting...i wanna thank u whole heartedly my dear friend....and ...
have a nice day, keep smiling. that's the best thing u can do for urself....