Friday, February 17, 2006


Wrong the name suggests, i am not gonna write about the movie in which the hero takes a wrong turn only to find out that they have to fight with mutated life forms in some remote place of USA.....this wrong turn, is my own personal experience and let me tell you i am happy that i took it...:)

it's been three years since i have come here to Pilani, to study and never in these three years have i gone to a world which is just outside the walls of BITS.....but on 13th feb, 2006.....something happened....something that would give me an oppurtunity what lies on the other side of our life. the Centre for women studies (CWS) in BITS, Pilani in association with One World South Asia, was organising the inaugaration of a project to "empower women through implementation of technology" in a nearby village.....and the village was, Jherli...just outside pilani. it was roughly 4kms aways from the campus and i had no clue how to go there...i mean i have never even set a foot outside the BITS gate. but i was determined and decided to go there no matter 2:30p.m on 13th feb,2006...i was gonna do something that i never had.....and set out to explore the world which was so close, yet it seemed so far all these days.
after few enquiries, i came to know that to reach there, i should not leave the CEERI wall....i mean the road by it's side will lead straight to jherli......i reached there at 3:00p.m....and lemme tell you...this one wasn't so bad...but i was quite surprised to see a village which was so long!...i just went on...on and on....finally i reached the gram panchayat office, only to find that it was locked....after few enuiries i came to know that there was someone from BITS who had come on 12th...but nobody came on 13th but they advised me to go to this guy names...jai singh who was a photographer....and also said that whenever students from BITS come to the village.....they go to his house which was on the other end of the village...when i reached there....i couldn't find any cycles....and then i met some guy who was coming from the oppiste direction of mine.....he told me that he saw a jeep passby...and that it was going to a nearby village..."Garinda" which was another 3 kms away from there.....i would say i was on a wild goose chase! i had no clue of what i was doing....i have no clue how i could to all these places all alone and that too on a sunny day....and i didn't even have water to drink! but something....something unknown kept me going...i could feel the gentle swaying of the " mustard fields"....and the mystic silence of the dried up of the nice things that i found in these villages was their curiousity to see a stranger going around their villages.....probably a guy wearing a red bag, specs and clothes with different shades of brown...wasn't such a common site!...:)
then i went to garinda, where a computer centre was opened in a private school only to find out that i wasn't anywhere close to my didn't serve the whole purpose....the reason to start this journey....but what it has given me is the experience that i am not gonna forget for a long time....that cycling in the kacha road and i was wondering the whole time whether my cycle could withstand it....i mean....hello! it's not a tar road where you can just cruise at any speed....what if it got punctured! i would have walked all the way....:)......
to be ccontinued......

Tuesday, February 07, 2006


"Arey yaar....ek chaai dena.." i asked Pappu today in sky lawns when a thought struck me. and after sitting under that huge tree with small leaves falling on me made me think, i am not talking about the small leaves falling into my tea cup...or the dog desperately trying to grab my attention for a small piece of the burger which i was munching with so much delight. i was wondering, why the hell am i thinking so much about all these things that have been crossing my mind since the beginning of this semester. This place, BITS has given me so much, but when I sit alone and think what exactly it is….i have no clue of what it was. May be my best gift from this place is to allow me to sit quietly and think whatever I wish to. But one thing I hate about this place is that there is no time here…..but I mean in a positive sense. It feels as if there is magic in this place…time just flies here….i still remember my first day here….i still remember my first class….my first zook….my first crush….my first confession…and the list goes on….. I have made loads of friends here and I am happy that I had spent some quality time with them. I would never forget all those screaming in the wing about VT, Quake…though I never played them…J…all those wonderful movies that we 12 guys saw together in that awesome 2nd year. Enter 3rd year….i don’t know….i mean I don’t understand about all that hype about doing your CDC’s well. May be it’s your identity, it’s like your DNA….and whatever other things that you know or like…are like other cells and organs of your body. But is it really important to prove that your DNA is stronger than others??? Check this out….my first Power Plant engineering class stands out as a perfect example why people think it’s important to do well in third year of your engineering degree. My prof said…”your mechanical engineering degree is like a digit 1…and if you are good at software field…a 0 adds by the side of 1…if you have good communication skills…another 0…if you are good at any extra-curricular activities then another 0…and the list goes on….so unless you know your core things well…the rest of the things are useless….”
Three years have left me enough moments to smile for a lifetime. One day I was out for lunch with Akki and after sometime when we went to pay the bill….i was shocked to see that we were asked to pay almost double the amount…and I asked…”wow….i didn’t know that we had to pay entertainment tax in C’not….:)..” I would never forget all those amazing chat sessions and sky latchas…. Lemme tell you about some bizarre things that I was thinking…...may be this is providence or coincidence….but I guess I believe in the number “7”…I am watching a telugu movie right now…and there are lyrics of a song…which literally translate as “there are seven colours in a rainbow…there are seven seas….and there are seven wonders in Bramha’s creation, there are seven swaras in music….and the seven hills are the abode of lord venkatesha….” After listening to this song….i found that I also belong to the same category…there are seven letters in my first name…!!!.....another thing that I believe in is….the letter “A”…’s in everything that I like…my parents names… and my bro’s name…..all my friends have this letter…”A” in their names….cinemA, chocolates, chAtting…..almost everything that I like so much.

In another 18 months all this is gonna end….all these that I had so much fun with….all this that was meant to be the best moments of my life are gonna vanish right infront my


eyes and I will not be able to do a god damn thing….these three years have taught me to do what you want to do and not otherwise….be it in anything. So what’s the Cache’??? I might not stand on my feet for sometime and until I find a way in the fog that is so still and dense in the future nothing is going to change. When I came here, I was so completely fascinated by software…and all the booming computer technology that India seems to be rejoicing and feeling proud that we have the best services in the world. But then, just 2 courses taught me what it takes to be able to stand in this arena….and I swore that I am not gonna touch it again. But going by the normal trend of campus recruitment…since everybody is gonna pick up guys with stronger, faster, healthier DNA….people like me are gonna pick up the rag pieces left by the so called “superiors”. Lemme just for a moment think that I am working in one such thing…(I pray sincerely that a day like that should never come)….and I wonder is this what you had dreamed of in those 4 years?? this what you were meant to be?.....and not long after that one single thought I resist…..i resist that I cannot choke no longer in that so called “paradise” where the majority of the educated class is so dying to get into…just because it’s in one of the top most companies in the country and their CEO’s can have lunch with Bill Gates..or hire people like Vivek Paul….or have a reputation of offering some of the best training programs in the world in the first 1 year of joining the company. Not that it would matter for them….i think people rarely get ideas that change the world…..history has plenty of proof to support my thought….the plight of indigo farmers changed something in one simple lawyer and he shook the pillars of the mighty British empire… don’t get me wrong…..i have no intention….not even in the slightest possibility of my dream to be a “half naked Fakir”….
People wonder why should someone think so much and why can’t he do what he is supposed to do at the moment…but I fear…that it will change my life….it will change me. I donno what’s written in my pages of future….and I don’t have the fascination to know what would be there and make grand plans for it….time is a strange thing… runs faster than you can….though some scientist might prove me wrong that it’s not time…but something other than that!!! Yeah…where was I??....time is a strange thing….oh yeah, it is….it will never stop…it will not stop to see how a drop of rain falls from sky to the ground… will not stop to see how happy you are when you are talking to a friend whom you are going to miss desperately in a few days…L….i will tell you my dear fellow….i wish the time would stop when you are in some temple in south India and there’s a beautiful tamil bramhin ponnu…J….lighting a small lamp….that’s probably one of the most beautiful thing…J ….ahhhh…..i wish I was a Iyer …or Iyengar….i wouldn’t have to think so much about this thing then….:)…
I wish time stops for sometime….when I lie down and look into the sky and see a shooting star….i wanna make a wish….what it is….only the same goddamn time is gonna tell me…I guess my story which is the next post in this blog….”LIFE WITHOUT A”….tells more than just words of what I feel…I guess I have confessed more than enough in these words…time is running faster than me….(mom always says…I am fat..:)…)….whatever!....i don’t wanna miss my chocolates….movies….chatting….friends
And may be I even dedicate this to my “non-existent” girlfriends along with the above mentioned things….i don’t wanna miss my chai sessions in Sky lawns…I don’t wanna miss………I don’t wanna miss……

Friday, February 03, 2006

LIFE WITHOUT A......part-1

I guess i am writing something on my blog after a long time...but the journey so far has been worth it....and after a long time i have written something that i feel nice about and can tell my friends that i have written read it...and your response would mean a lot to here it is 4th story....i hope you will all like this one.....


“Come on move….move”, shrieked the doctor to the curious onlookers in the hospital ward. I was there at that moment wondering whether all this had to have an end like this….
“Jesus Christ! What happened?” asked an old man standing next to me. Should I tell him the truth? This was the only question lingering in my mind. Should I tell him that I let all this happen right in front of my very eyes? And I could do nothing. Nothing…..

“We will do our best, but I cannot promise you anything”, said the doc and I could tell from the very look on his face that things had gone out of hand and now everything was left to the Almighty. I sat in a corner counting every minute with my hope fainting like the sun going down into the ocean. I had so many questions in my mind and every time I try to find answers for what had happened, more questions pop up in my mind. And I closed my eyes…..
“Dad, look here what I have made for my school project…” I should tell you, my eight year old daughter was quite a gem at school. She was naughty, always getting into some kind of trouble and we had received several complaints from her teachers, but what the heck! She was my daughter and I loved her so much. That’s why I had named her Amogha and she would never cease to surprise me. I was a happy man, I should say. It was early in the spring season and flowers had just begun to blossom all over. And I had the whole day to spend the time with my family. “Dad, come here!” She was so stubborn. I went there to her room and she had made a beautiful model of a volcanic mountain to explain how it erupts. I exclaimed that it was wonderful and took her downstairs to show her the little surprise gift that I had got for her.
“A goldfish! Wow…look at it, it’s so cute.” She was so happy to see the little goldfish. We all had our lunch and I promised my little angel that I will take her for a walk. O’ boy! She loved to go out on long walks with me. She wouldn’t stop telling me about her school and friends. And I was very patient too, never shouted at her. That evening even my wife accompanied us to go out for a walk. We all went to the park and after a while sat on a bench. “Ice creams, anyone?” I asked. “Me”, said my daughter. “No beta…no ice creams in this season. You might catch cold.” Her mother warned her. But it was a mandatory thing to have for me and Amogha. Some habits never die! I somehow convinced my wife and went to the vendor to get them.
“Everybody get down….there is a prisoner on the run and he has entered the park” shouted a policeman at a bunch of people who had come to spend some time in the park. And there was panic all over. People started running helter-skelter. I think the police spotted the prisoner and began to shoot in his direction. “No!!….Amogha get down” I shouted at the top of my voice. But in that hullabaloo, she couldn’t hear a thing of what I was so desperately trying to tell her. I was just a few meters away from her and was running towards her as fast as I could. And then, she just dropped down. Just like that! She had come in the line of fire and before she knew what was happening she just….i looked around for my wife and she lay just a few meters away. I think she too….”NO!!”……I shouted….

LIFE WITHOUT A......part-2

“No!!” I opened my eyes and found myself in the hospital. “What happened?” “Nothing... Just a bad dream...”
“Doctor, what happened?” his silence said more than his words could. And there she was. My beautiful wife lay peacefully on the stretcher. “Mr. Ajay, we did what we could. But it was not enough. We couldn’t help it. And your daughter, well she’s in a bad shape too. She’s taking rest now. You can talk to her after she wakes up.” The doctor placed his hand on my shoulder and said,” I am sorry. She doesn’t have much time. Maybe few hours.” And he walked away leaving me in a bewildered state. I didn’t know what to do.
I didn’t cry. I told myself not to cry because all my life I was taught that boys don’t cry! But it really is a natural thing to cry when you lose something that you love so much.
I prayed all night and hoping that the angels of death could give her a little more time than what’s destined for her. She didn’t deserve all this. For God’s sake, she was only eight years old! But ….the damn time never stops.
“Sir, sir. Are you Ajay? Your daughter….”she could barely finish what she wanted to say and I ran to the ward where my little daughter was sleeping last night hoping that my prayers would be answered. It was quite a relief to see her lying on that bed. Breathing. ...

“Dad, where am I? And what is this place? We were supposed to be in the park.” She talked as if she didn’t know what had happened. “What are all these pipes going through my hands? And why are you crying?” She always had so many questions to ask. I sat beside her and looked into her eyes. I could see the innocence in her eyes, wondering why I was crying so much and filled with questions. “Dad, where’s mom?” I didn’t know what to tell her. And I lied. “She’s waiting for you, outside this room. She couldn’t bear the sight of you lying on the bed like this. Though I forced her to come here, she didn’t listen to any of my words. She’s….gone.” Amogha couldn’t understand what I was trying to tell her. She asked,” Gone…but where?”. “She was in a hurry. Somebody was waiting for her and she couldn’t wait until you wake up. She’s….gone…she’s gone.” I couldn’t control my emotion and burst into tears. I knew that what I had lost and what I would be losing would leave only one thing for me. Loneliness…..
“She’s gone!! Tell mom that I am very angry with her. And I will not talk to her.” I think my angel was afraid and wanted her mother to be beside her. I was running out of time and suddenly was lost in thought…..
Once she got herself drenched in rain and her mom was all hot upon her. They didn’t talk to each other for quite sometime. Then my angel came to me and said,” dad, do you know why it rains?” and I said,” No, I don’t”. “It’s because the Rain God cries when his mother doesn’t talk to him.” And she smiled. Her smile was so infectious that we all started smiling too. Another time she was eating an ice-cream and by the time she finished it, the cream was all over her face. She didn’t know what to do and came and hugged me and I had a huge patch of chocolate ice-cream’s stain on my shirt. Hehehe…she really was quite gem of a person.“Dad….dad, where were you?? I have been shouting for so long” I was interrupted from my thoughts by her sweet voice. “Dad, I was wondering what will happen to our goldfish? Won’t it feel unhappy that I am not playing with it?” “Yes, my child. It will perhaps be very lonely now… me” I mumbled the last two words. “But I promise you that I will take full care of it.” “You are the best, dad. Ok, I am feeling very sleepy. But when I wake up I want to see my little cute friend, “goldie” here.” “Who’s goldie?” I

LIFE WITHOUT A......part-3

asked her. “I just named our goldfish, goldie” and she smiled. I wondered if these were the last few things she would ever ask me for. And as soon as she slept, I ran to the house and put goldie in a cover with some water and came to the ward. I think it had taken me roughly thirty minutes to come back. And then…..
There was a small crowd of nurses and doctors outside that ward who were hurrying in and out. Somebody shouted,” She’s not breathing…she’s not breathing. Give her this injection. And put that oxygen mask on her face, for Christ’s sake.” “God…not working…not working.” And there was a long beep…..
After sometime everybody went out and I had to go inside the room. I had brought her “goldie”. She had asked for it...didn’t she? She cannot possibly go to a deep sleep. There must be some way to wake her up….there has to be some way….. I went close to her ear and whispered. “ Hey Amogha….wake up. Look goldie is here to say hello to you.” I knew that they couldn’t talk to each other. I knew she had left me alone. I knew that she had gone close to her mother. I knew that there will not be anymore walks and ice-creams. But….but I was her father…and if I had a choice, I would have chose not to believe the whole thing that had just happened. Choice, huh…it’s something that you always hope for and every time you choose something you ask yourself, was that the right thing to do? Then why have a choice at all!!!
Well, I believe that everything has got a destiny of its own. And a man does what he does until destiny finds him. I had lost my most beloved ones on the planet and people ask me how it feels like? Well, I would say look into my eyes and you will know. Look into my eyes and they will tell you what’s missing in my life. Look into my eyes and I tell you, you will forget that you had asked a question like that at all. Life wasn’t pretty much the same after they left me alone. They say it’s still the same sun and same moon. It’s still the same air and it’s still the same….blah…blah. But I ask you, is it worth it? Is it worth it when you choose to not feel anything for all these gifts that nature has for us?

Now, all that’s left for me are few photographs and loads of thoughts and images from the past. It’s so difficult to understand why you love someone so much. That morning in the hospital with my daughter had taught me something. What it is…..I still have to find out. Life passes most people by, while they are making grand plans for it. Now I force a smile on my face and try to believe that my angel is still with me. I go on long walks now….alone. I still eat my ice-creams and play with goldie. Once I had made a promise that I wouldn’t leave goldie unhappy and I couldn’t break it. You see, we still are one happy family. It’s just that I don’t see them often around. They are still there….they are still there. But…yes there’s always a but….I am living a life without A…..reason. I am living a life without A……