Tuesday, May 10, 2005


It's been so long,
yet it feels like time has gone by like a song.

It's been so long,
since i have been to the place where I belong.

It's been so long,
and most of the times things have gone wrong.

It's been ages since I smiled like a child,
earlier everything around me was placid and mild,
and now things have changed so much,
that i feel like i am just another moron of the bunch

There's no reason.....there's no meaning
my mind is just aimlesslesy roaming.

I wanna fly away home,
and sleep on the lap of my mom,
I wanna fly away home,
I wanna fly away home....

It's a matter of 2 days,
it's a matter of who's gonna win the race,
I guess life goes on like this,
things are gonna continue like this....

It's the same sun everywhere,
but never the same fun everywhere...
Life here just sways like the wind,
all the time pushing us from behind...

Life goes on and i wanna break free...
life goes on and i wanna fly away home....

Saturday, May 07, 2005


I walk on a lonely road,
trying to figure out what exactly is a "load".

I walk on the lonely road,
trying to see some decent marks on the board.

I walk on the lonely road,
trying to figure out what happens near a "node".

Is this my "reluctance" ?
or delay in proper "reactance" ?
there's a subtle foil,
which blinds me to know more about a "coil"...

what exactly is this?
what exactly is this crisis?
I am six steps away from being grounded,
I am six days away from being screwed,
and i am thinking,
may be there's some hope blinking...

it's not about what i am gonna make.....
though a 'C' would be like icing on the cake.
what do i need now?
i need to figure out how?

all i need to do is....stand tall,
and save myself from a steep fall...

I am down with fear,
Oh Heavens!!! look down here,
i am crying but my tears are dry,
something always keeps my spirits high....

I am down with fear,
why isn't my future clear?
I am down with fear,
Please help me God....Oh my dear..

i am down with fear,
i am down with fear.....

Friday, May 06, 2005


As I at my life take a glance,
i find all the while i was craving for one last chance.

one last chance was all i had asked for,
and promised to do well in my sem four.

one last chance was all i had asked for,
and things became complicated more.

i made promises many,
and couldn't keep any
i knew deep down i was sinking,
but i thought there was hope somewhere still winking

and now 6 days is all i have,
6 days of test to see if i am brave
6 days to see my growth
6 days to see the truth.

and here i am sitting and expecting to see a miracle.
and waiting to see if within me, the sparks crackle
i look upto the stars and say i got plenty of things to tackle
and they smile back at me with a sparkle

one last chance is all i have,
and i am thinking if there's anyway i could myself save
one last chance......one last chance


One day, we were walking by the side of a lake and she said something. That little thing changed my life thereafter. It was the simple truth that was there in my mind all the while but I wouldn’t realize it.

“You see Uncle James…I was thinking about you…your life…Anna. I think you can do something about it.”

“But? .... how? I have tried….but failed always.”

“That was years ago. But there has always been one problem. You couldn’t see the issue from both sides. You assumed that Anna didn’t like you and may be she too thought so. And you created brick after brick…wall after wall in your minds. Let’s look at this in some other way. All the time you had the notion that there’s some way or the other that you could remove all the hassles. But have you talked to your daughter from your heart? Have you looked into her eyes and say how much you love her ……how much you care about her? You know life isn’t all about how you lead…..solving problems…and other stuff…it’s about how you live it. May be you will not be popular or well known for this, but people around you, they know you, they understand you. They care about you…love you. You have done it all…may be you should do something one last time. Remember …there’s always hope.”

I could see it too…like the twilight…like the last ray of sun setting in the west.

I went home…and I saw Anna sitting near the T.V I sat beside her and may be in days for the first time I tried to talk to her. Words were plenty in the dictionary but I could barely remember any that day.

“What happened dad? Is there something you want to say?”

“Ahhh….yeah...yeah. I was wondering what your plans were for the rest of the day.”

“Why? Is everything all right..?”

“Yeah…everything is fine...”

“You know, when your mom was ill, I talked to her few hours before she died and she told me something to tell you.”

“Dad…why are you saying all this?”

“Let me complete…what I had to say.” I could feel my decibel level go beyond my expectation.

“She wanted to tell you,”Anna…I have always known you as a stubborn and adamant girl. But deep down your heart you had always craved for your father. You wanted to spend some time with him. The truth is…he too wanted to. He wanted to spend all the time with you. He loves you…he cares about you, but the only thing is he cannot express it. That’s the strangest thing I have noticed in him. He cannot express his love. He tried telling you all the time. He tried to let his heart burst open…he couldn’t withhold his emotions. Give him one chance…give him one chance…”…”

“Anna….give me one chance…give me one chance.”

I could see Anna smiling from within. She said, “Why are you cooking up a story?”

“I know it’s you who wanted to tell me all this…not mom. Don’t blame yourself for her death. She died happily…with a strong faith and hope that a day like thins would come. One day when my father would walk up to me and look into my eyes and say.” Anna, I love you…I care about you.”

As she said these words…she started crying. I could see the innocence in her eyes, exactly the same as they were when she was born. I had failed to look at the most beautiful thing of my life all this time.

Tears started rolling down my eyes and I stared into the depth of her eyes….her heart. I kissed her on the forehead and hugged her. I remember that was one day when I cried so much that may be I wouldn’t have stopped until pooja turned up. I introduced her to Anna and told her that this has all happened because of pooja. She had told me once about her parents who died in an accident and about the wonderful time she had spent with them and how she got over the shock. She was “the” one who showed the doors of the great gift that God had made for us…HOPE. It never fades….if one door closes, as they say...10 doors open up.

All the time I was wondering if I would ever be able to talk to my daughter. And then I believed in “Hope” and now I had two daughters. Yes, pooja was more like a daughter to me….in fact more than that…she was my teacher, friend….my angel of hope.

And as I pen this incident sitting in heaven sipping the best coffee along with my wife, I wonder what would have happened if I hadn’t gone to park that day when I met pooja….

May be God would have sent her to me through some other way. As they say…there’s always hope…it’s true. There’s always hope. It’s one thing that changed everything…a war…a depression…a life. It changed mine and I have barely any words to express the beauty of hope.

Hope is everything….it’s the very essence of life.

I found mine…..did U????


After she went, I started thinking about the world around me. Twenty years down the lane I will be unable to walk or even talk. And there would be no one to take care of me. And what happens after that? One fine morning I will be gone and there will be none to dig a grave for me. That was my biggest fear and the rest looked very small.

It was noon now and time to go back home. Anna was not at home, she had gone for a trip with her friends. I cooked few things and sat on my table to check few papers and I had to prepare the rest of the schedule for the coming week. I switched on the T.V and there was an interview of a celebrity. This reminded me of something that happened few years back. I was giving a presentation about “Conflict in families” and an excited student asked “Do you love your daughter?”
The question had come out of the blue and I didn’t what to say.
“Yes. I do. Why do you ask me that?”
“Do you love your daughter more than your wife?”
What could I say? I couldn’t answer this question. I could never compare my love for someone with another person’s for the same.


I walked to the door to see who it was.

“Hello uncle…ohhh…it’s you. Remember we met the other day in the park it’s me Pooja. I just moved to the apartment next to yours. I was wondering if I could get a cup of milk?” she said with a huge smile on her face.

“Oh yeah..Pooja…I remember you. Come in…make yourselves comfortable”

“Ok...” and she stepped in…inside my lonely world.

“Here’s your cup….do u want anything else?”


“You can call me Uncle James…”

“Uncle James, I think you should have more light in this drawing room. It looks gloomy. I am sorry…if I should have said this or not, but I thought it would do some good.”

“Maybe you are right. There’s rarely anyone to take care of this house now…” and I was crying deep down my heart. I was all the while in the feeling that my wife was alive and she would take care of everything. She was alive…everywhere …around the house, in the kitchen….in the garden…everywhere around me…deep inside my heart.

“Maybe I will come later and do some changes here. It would make the place look better” said Pooja. “Bye Uncle James….I should go now, there are lot of people who are waiting for me in my apartment. I will see you soon...”

“Bye Pooja.”

There was something special about this girl. She was almost half my age, but never treated me as an old man. I blessed her silently; and I had developed a belief that may be she’s the one whom god had sent to take care of me. The hope never fades away. You know what the best thing about hope…..is? If you think that hope is fading away, you can still hope that there’s some hope.
And days like these passed by and she kept coming. We were good friends now and I told her everything about my wife, Anna and me. I should say in more than 5 years, she was the first person who didn’t show sympathy but applauded me for my courage. She would say,” Uncle James, the problems are plenty but the truth is you are still standing.”
I was standing…wasn’t I??? Standing against all trouble…odds…standing with hope and courage as my pals. I was fighting for my existence; I was fighting for my rights…right to live. Above all I was fighting to express my love.


This is a story....about belief...about faith....a hope for a better tommorow....it's about hope....it's about life......


"cuckoo…..cuckoo...” The alarm clock was ringing as usual. It was 7:00 A.M in the morning. I got up and after few daily chores set out for my daily jogging.

“Good morning Mr. James”, said my neighbor. “How are you today?”

“Oh…that’s really nice of you for asking me, I am fine. How about you? ”

“I am fine sir; I was going to get some vegetables from the market. You know you should come to my house for dinner some day. Anyway I got to go now. Otherwise my wife is going to scream at me…hehehe…”

This was my usual meeting with my neighbor who had been courteous to me right from the day we moved in twenty years back. Not only him, but everyone in the locality was very generous to me. But I think they were expressing their grief and pity for me because of my wife’s death three years ago had a huge impact on me. I wouldn’t talk; I wouldn’t smile when others are involving themselves in a funny conversation. Something was wrong with me. I lived along with my twenty year old daughter Anna, though I must say I lived alone in my own house.

I went around the park and finally sat on my favorite bench right next to the lake. There were hundred’s of people who had come to the central park that day. I wondered if it was a Sunday. How could I remember?…..I was lost in my own thoughts all the time…..Loneliness, as they say was my biggest fear…it was my biggest enemy.

“Hello Uncle. Can I sit here?” asked a pretty girl who was in her mid twenties.

“Yeah….” I said smiling at her.

We didn’t talk for more than an hour. I decided to stay for a long time; I didn’t want to go home. I knew I wasn’t loved there. I just existed, I wasn’t living. Thinking of all this, somewhere in those five minutes a stream of weightless tears had started trickling down my eyes.

Then, the girl sitting beside me asked,” Is everything all right...why are you crying?”

“I was lost in thought. Rather remembered someone whom I lost”

“Oh. I am sorry. I didn’t know that.”

“That’s ok. It has been quite sometime now. And I am recovering from the shock of losing my dear wife.”

“How did she die?”

What should I tell this little girl!!! The world knew that she died of heart attack but I knew that she was very apprehensive about the life of our only daughter, Anna. She wouldn’t listen to anyone. But Anna missed her father a lot…she missed me. I couldn’t be with my daughter when she needed me. And she thought I didn’t love her. This was the crux of all the trouble.

I remained silent…I knew I couldn’t talk about it much.

“It’s ok if you don’t want to tell me.” The girl sitting beside me said.

“No….No….it’s not that. It’s just that there aren’t enough words to explain what happened. May be some other day”

“I am Pooja. Nice meeting you. I have to go now. My friend will be waiting for me.”

“Bye Pooja…I will meet you some other day.”

Monday, May 02, 2005

Me, Myself and fate

We praise God and huge stories of his miracle, we create,
but always we forget to ask Him why he forgot to write for all of us same FATE.

we create good and bad and blame it on others,
we praise some and despise others,
and we most of the times hesitate to claim what's ours
till someone comes and snatches it away from u what's your's.

we tend to blame it on fate,
and no one knows the exact date,
when this term was created,
we say it has automatically originated.

fate is the meaning...fate is destiny
we let that rule our lives without any scrutiny,
and today when i screwed up badly, i ask myself "was this in my destiny?"
"was it bound to happen...thanks to courtesy of fate?"

but.....fate doesn't originate by itself,
it's written by men who rule their own lives,
fate doesn't originate by itself,
it's a matrix blinding us from the reality of life.

i have to fight....fight, not until i win a battle but till i win the war
may be this day seems too far
but a day like this will come in future
and there shall be no dreams of soul torture...

flowers will bloom in happiness,
and there will be no mark of sadness.
a "sun", will rise in a land far away from his parents,
and then he shall do nothing to them that hurts

i am waiting...i am waiting...
thinking of "one fine day"....
when i would go to a heart sinking
with a smile on my face and a hope of brighter things to come...

i shall write my own fate .... i shall challenge my own fate
till i prove that there's no such thing that exists
which retains u from reaching u r goal
and brings dreary things to a innocent soul

the bottom line is "fate doesn't exist....."
but why do i believe in it????